Friday, January 19, 2018

Learning To Be Alive

Until I opened up my blog to post I didn't realize it's been a month since I've talked to you guys. How was Christmas? How is life? I've been a self-reflecting place. I've had to reevaluate me. What I want out of life. Why I feel like no matter what I do I'll never be okay. Living with depression is no joke. I've been talking with a close friend and I truly believe I'm manic depressive. There's a doctor's appointment next month for that. I realize that I am drowning. I'm not me. I feel like I constantly have to be talked off a ledge. No matter how much I have to live for there are the demons that tell me it will never be enough. My beyond sweet boyfriend has been enduring all of this weight and sometimes I don't understand how he does. I mean my own husband ridiculed me for being sick. Maybe that's what it's so hard to stay on the meds to help? Lately my marriage has been heavily haunting me. It's been a lot of weight to hide. I mean, I haven't felt like doing any of the things that make me, me. Every time I get the urge to blog or cross stitch or even get out of bed, life drags me back in.

Work is tough. I work 50 hours a week. Some shifts are longer than others. Some days the rudeness and overall disgust of how customers can be just down right breaks me. We've had 14 recent robberies. That's terrifying. I know the procedures but I also know that things can change in an instant. I know in that moment fear takes over. I also know I have severe anxiety.

In efforts to combat my depression, S has been encouraging me more and more to leave the house. Monday night I went to my first live show and bar. It was truly an amazing experience. I was able to be included with friends and watch his friends close out the show. There was only one small glitch in Monday night but even then being drunk helped me persevere past that. I asked Shaun to stop at Walmart. We ran into someone who I've avoided coming in contact with damn near 10 years. He abused me for three months. Put me through pure hell. I saw him leaving as we entered and my first instinct was to run. It's a surreal thing to have an anxiety attack when your drunk because the alcohol tells you you're good but the deeper part of you tells you to panic. Once we ended up home we decided to do shots at the house. My first time getting black out drunk. It was truly one of the best nights of my life. Sometimes I need that escape from reality to remind me that I am okay. That I am here. That I do exist.

Let me tell you guys in the safety of this blog the amount of guilt and sadness I feel for S. I've never been in a healthy relationship. I've never been in a place where things were talked out. I've never loved someone near as much as I've fallen for S. I know, I was married but from day one he was with K and B. My own bestfriend at the time was fighting urges to be with him. Then later on came K. I've healed from those wounds but in hindsight I realize that I loved the idea of what he could give me more than I actually loved him. I was desperate to get away from the demanding life that my parents led. In after thought, I lost a lot by leaving but I don't regret it because it gave me Ally. When things go wrong, my first instinct is to run. Not talk things out. Not try to express my feelings but run. S feels like I think about ending things with him all the time but truly that thought alone puts a sour feeling in my stomach. It makes me feel ill just to think about leaving him. But I also don't know how to tell him what I need. How to explain that one minute it's a great day and in the next moment I feel like the world is crumbling around me. Luckily, I am getting better about hiding my depression from Ally because that is the last thing she needs to see.

I just don't know anymore guys. Why is life so hard to do? Why is anxiety a thing?

I don't even feel like I have anyone to go to about all of this. All of my friends have shit they are handling so I kind of just let life drown me and occasionally come back up for air. I am truly thankful I do have an outlet here with the blogging community but right now blog posts may be few and far between. It's hard to life and I need to focus on my little family and making sure they know I am here and not going anywhere.

Thursday, December 14, 2017

It's The Little Things

Yesterday was ultimate crap. It actually started the night before. You ever feel yourself getting sick. You know the start of it? That was me Tuesday night. I feel the sinus hitting. The extreme fatigue. I was so angry because I was off yesterday. You know what I did yesterday? A whole lot of nothing. My body is so achy it's unreal. I wanted to go work out but the severe sinus headache told me that would end up in me puking everywhere. So I swallowed my upset, came home, and quite literally died for the day. Luckily Shaun was able to take the day off to help me out with Ally. Her behavior in school is getting better but my gut tells me it's only because Santa said he wouldn't make a stop if she kept getting yellow. Also, she's been losing a present for every yellow she gets. Needless to say momma's point came across loud and clear. I love watching Shaun and Ally bond. It's all I ever wanted for my child. I only ever wanted for her to see the love and admiration a real father could give. Even if Shaun doesn't claim that role, he is still a strong role model for her. Not to mention the best support system around the block. He's been going with me to the gym as well. We are both ready for a change. Losing weight will help eliminate so many health problems and make life all the way around easier.

Tuesday night I made the ill decision to contact my ex. We haven't talked since before Thanksgiving. I put a significant amount of distance simply for the fact that he hasn't bothered to contact nor see Ally since dropping her in July. The last time we talked I gave him my schedule and when I was off. My schedule varies and things come up. I know it's not convenient that I can't wait around on him to decide to call. My daughter has a life as well. She enjoys time with her grandparents, uncle, and aunts. She isn't always home and that just comes with the territory of having a strong support system. Why can't he just call Shaun? Well you see, he falsely accused me and Shaun of some ridiculous crap and in that phone call he used the N word repeatedly. I will not have my spouse talked about in such a distasteful way. Back on track. Ally has a 5K that she wanted to join. Her fees were $27. I completely forgot in the midst of trying to get bills paid, Christmas together, and making sure we were staying afloat. I simply asked if he would be able to help. He said no, I said Thank you anyways. Honestly, it was that simple. The next day his S/o finds it fitting to post my personal business on my blog. This 5K wasn't necessity, it was luxury. Then screenshots of my blog, you know the one she doesn't follow? Suddenly I am terrible for joining a gym that cost $20 a month. Ignorance is best though. The only reason  I joined was because of a promotion going on. It was a low $5 start up fee. So a whole fight had to start simply because I leave you alone and you decide my business belongs on public venues.

But for the sake of my mental health I am only reading and following blogs that better my life. I am finally making me a priority. I am the kind of the person that always does for others. Last week we were out finishing up our Christmas shopping. I have had such a hard time finding jeans that fit me properly. We went into Torrid because they were having a sale. Let me tell you, I couldn't do it. I couldn't fathom spending $50 on a pair of pants. Yet for Ally or Shaun that wouldn't have been a issue. Sometimes you have to treat yourself and Shaun is really helping me to understand and not feel guilty for it.


This man right here. I couldn't love him more. I slept all day yesterday. Only woke up to eat and take more meds. He was streaming yesterday and Ally came in wanting to join. He wears Silly Hats as his gimmick. She picked out a hat and joined on in. He didn't get upset or angry, simply let her join his stream. It was such a cute thing to watch because she was so happy to be apart of it. She told him she loved him a few weeks ago and it was such a huge moment. She hasn't felt able to trust anyone since everything that happened with her father. This shows she's healing and moving forward. It makes me so proud and happy to see my baby doing so well. We just celebrated 8 months together which is a big thing for me as well. 

Next month, we'll be off to New Orleans for a few days as I have to use my vacation time soon. I can't wait to get a few uninterrupted days with the love of my life.

Thursday, December 7, 2017


Positive Mental Attitude

After the heaviness of last week, I am refocusing myself this week. I let last week drown me and I am rising above. I am not feeding into other's need for drama. I am living my best life. The end of the year is almost here. Shaun and I are actually planning to get out of town for a few days next month. We both have decided that we need a break from everything. I'm actually feeling more like myself. I have found coffee that is absolutely delicious and it's helping me cut out energy drinks. I am working on turning my attitude around and being more positive. We spend so much time looking at all that is hurting us but not enough time appreciating all the things we have to be thankful for. Heading into 2018 that is going to be my main focus. Being more thankful and less bitter. I have so many things to be happy and thankful for that I don't have time to be negative.


Look at how gorgeous this deck is! I can't wait to order it. I have been itching for a new deck to get back into reading my cards and this deck claimed my heart from first glance. I can't wait to order it and for it to be mine.

I am getting back into the things that I find joy in. Cross stitching, playing WOW, and coloring are among the few. I am feeling more motivated where my weight loss is concerned. I am feeling so much better about life.


I really need to take a minute to shout to two very important people in my life.

Shaun has been my rock this last week. He has taken everything I've thrown at him over the last week and handled it. He held me while I sobbed. He pushed me to get out of bed. He constantly reminded me of his love for me and that I needed to keep pushing for Ally. Losing the babies really broke me but I am at acceptance. When it's our time to have babies, it will happen. For now, we have so much to be thankful for and prepare for. We have so much to get ready for and realize that we can't dwell on sadness because it keeps you from living your best life.

Kristina. I can't say enough about her strength and perseverance. She has remained a listening ear even when I couldn't express how I was feeling. She has been my rock along with Shaun. Without these two I wouldn't have made it through the last week. They both held me together.

Tuesday, December 5, 2017

My Person

I can't brag enough on this man. He truly has changed my life for the better. I smile more, laugh often, and have a huge appreciation for life. Yesterday he dedicated the day to me. He wanted to help me grieve and trying to find peace to move forward. We watched Aladdin.and laid in bed together. He held me while I vented and tried not to cry. We've decided to name the twins for closure. He took me out to dinner and then we ran errands before me coming home to crash out before work. Our dynamic isn't easy by any means but I take it one day at a time. I try not to be too clingy but it's what I need right now. I need the security of him and us. The security of being strong. The security that this would will heal. I am so proud to have him. To know we have a whole life together.

Sunday, December 3, 2017

Miscarriage.

I'm hoping that by speaking out that maybe I'll actually be able to start trying to move on. It's been coming in waves and I don't even know how to process it. It isn't my first miscarriage but it is the first one with someone I truly love and carry about. Thursday shortly after we got home from our awesome night out I miscarried. I had a feeling I was in the process because with this birth control I haven't ever had a period. I know that it is  a possibility but that gut feeling usually doesn't lie. While we can't be certain, Shaun and I are fairly certain it was twins because I lost the other one last night. My heart is beyond broken. We weren't planning for kids hence getting on birth control but we've always been firm believers in handling anything that is thrown our way. I've been so aggressive and angry. Shaun has been my rock but I feel like I've done nothing but cry and fall into this ball of giving up. When we went to our appointment for the birth control, the doctor didn't require a urine sample. I didn't think to request it. I realize that was the fatal error. We went through a pregnancy scare shortly before making the appointment and I think if  I would have retested a week later, it would have been positive. It's amazing how badly your subconscious can want something. I had gotten to a point of acceptance that Shaun wanted us to be better off financially before bringing children into the picture. He has been a pillar of strength through all of this. I know time heals all wounds but I am really worn out from constantly bursting into tears. My depression is at it's worst. I am trying to break down to Shaun and Kristina but my heart is just so worn so I am choosing to move forward. Grieving is far too painful. When it is time for Shaun and I to add to our family then we will cross that bridge when we come to it. For now, it's time to take a step forward and try to heal.