Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Catching Up


Hello lovelies! I've missed you guys. Life has been crazy busy so let's catch up!

 First off life hasn't slowed down for a minute. I have to schedule my follow up on this Lexapro this week. For the month I've been on it, it has made me sleepy so when I am able to take it before bed I do get some solid sleep. Ally takes after me and talks a lot. She's a very social kid especially now that she has a solid routine. She doesn't ask for my ex or want to initiate contact which is sad but I don't blame her. I am finally seeing just how much potential I have and believing in myself. I am officially working towards General Manager now. I am in constant contact with my GM on what I can do to better myself as a manager. Shaun was hired at Whataburger as well and is working towards management himself. Overall life couldn't be better at the moment.

I have officially resigned from the lies, manipulation, and two-faced attitudes. I am focused solely on my family. I talked to my ex last night and like I told, we can get to a point where we will be able to co-parent. I have offered him to pay me gas money so he can see his daughter. This way there is no excuse to be made. As I told him last night, all I have ever wanted was his happiness and if that's with Brittany then all the better for himself. After everything she put Allisun through over the summer I have requested that he schedule visitation on his weekends off. Ally doesn't feel safe with Brittany any longer so I am trying to do what is best for her. Like I told him he is welcome to meet me to spend time with her for a few hours without Brittany's involvement. We are both trying to avoid having to go to court and pushing for supervised visitation because I know we won't agree on terms. I don't feel comfortable with his mother supervising visits so I am glad that we are able to remain civil and keep things strictly to Ally. No need for unnecessary conversation. We keep our contact to a minimum.


On a brighter note, I am really proud of Bella. She knows who Ally is and has been asking for her a lot. I am so glad that Kristina and I are super close and that our girls will have each other. They are so close to each other even though visits are slim due to finances. We are trying to move into doing more video chats so Bella can talk to Ally. They are all such beautiful girls and I know they are looking forward to our next playdate. I also know us mommies are due for a girls night out.


I am learning to fight my depression. I am thankful that I have Shaun because sometimes I need someone to push me. Someone to tell me that we are going out and not spending the day in bed. I can't tell you enough how much I love this man. He taught Ally to tie her shoes and she has mostly mastered this skill. It warms my heart watching them together. I couldn't be happier. Life is a work in progress but I have a strong support system and I am so thankful for them. I am thankful for my beautiful little girl and I can't wait to give her a special Christmas. Life truly is just getting better and better.

Monday, November 13, 2017

Friday, November 3, 2017

Exhausted

First off, I want to apologize for my absence but how can I blog to you guys if my heart isn't in the right place? I had to take some time to fix myself. I needed to take time to put myself as a priority. I spend so much of my time taking care of others than I tend to forget I need to be taken care of from time to time. Of course Shaun takes care of me but he has really been my shoulder lately. My doctor changed my depression medication to Zoloft and man, let me tell you. It has been knocking me on my ass. I have felt so tired it's unreal. The biggest part of this is my inconsistent work schedule. I don't work a steady shift everyday, my schedule varies from week to week. This makes it hard to take the medication at the same time every day. The biggest part of medication is consistency which is hard to do.

I've fallen into a rut and it's taken some time to dig myself out of it. I haven't felt like myself. My daughter is striving in school, she has some problems in school but she likes to talk. Just like her momma, haha. But overall she is doing much better with everything. She seems to finally be finding herself and is blossoming because of it. I couldn't be more proud of her.

I am exhausted because it seems like adults can't help but continue to act like children. I have kept my opinions to myself for a long while and just been an observer. Other than being Kristina's shoulder to lean on through all of this, I have kept my opinions about everything quiet. With that being said I don't appreciate continuing to have my name dragged into everything. It actually pisses me off more than anything so I have decided to speak out. Say my piece and be done. If I have learned anything through coping with my depression and anxiety, it's that holding things in is unhealthy. Keeping quiet isn't always best.

For the most part I have distanced myself from my ex's family. The hypocrisy and lies are just too much for someone to continue to take. I have said my fair share of terrible things, I have also acted out of anger. I am not innocent by any means. But excusing the damage that my ex inflicted isn't right at all. Continuing to support and allow affairs to happen under your roof and claim it isn't your business isn't right at all. Then having the nerve to be pissed because you're dragged into all of it. What do you expect when you support one woman but as soon as she's left you're back to loving and supporting the wife again? It was a dark period of my life and one I fought for years to get out of. I finally dug myself out. You seem to forget I fought for years. I stayed and tried to make things. I stayed committed. I worked through the damages and I partially blame you because you could have told me that the affair was happening under your roof when we took a small pause. Instead you acted like nothing happened and thus I went back home.

I broke free. I left in 2015 and didn't look back. I finally snapped. I was no longer fighting for my marriage. Instead I was focused on healing. I was focused on finding myself. I was focused on being the best version of myself for not only my sake but also for my daughter. I have stumbled along but the way but now I am in a healthy relationship, I have a strong young lady I am raising, I have a car, my own home, and a career as a manager. Things aren't perfect by any means but everyday  I try to do a little bit better.

On my part, nothing was thrown in your face. I have kept distance but only because my health can't take being around the lies, manipulation, and two-faced attitudes that seem to follow the family around. If you remember those last few months in your home I was in and out of the hospital. I was at a point where my depression was so severe my doctor had me self-dosing to try to find the dosage.  I had to go to the hospital because the anxiety was so severe that it was causing panic attacks. It took hitting my breaking point to see things for how they are. To take off those rose colored glasses and finally be free.

I will always appreciate you taking me in your home. Coming to pick me up in the middle of night. Supporting me through my pregnancy. The girls days. Getting Ally things she needed. Being my support while I was pregnant and at a loss trying to figure out how to move forward. All of that I will always appreciate but the darker parts overpower all of that. Nobody said you couldn't get along with all three of us. Where the problem lies is when you say that you can't stand one woman but then are bragging about spending time with them. That is the issue. If you don't like someone then don't like them. This was never a competition and by all means, enjoy moving forward.

I am enjoying finding a new appreciation for life. I am enjoying finding my way out of this self rut. I am enjoying having the family life I always wanted. One that isn't full of other women, lies, manipulation, and not putting your family first.

It's been a long road but I am finally happy. I am finally okay. It is freeing to be able to say that. Now if I could just get this insomnia under control then I would be better off. I am happy to be back in blog land. For now, it's time to curl back up in Shaun's arms and enjoy a few more hours of sleep.

Monday, October 16, 2017

Me Too

Trigger Warning: The following post will contain mentions of sexual abuse. It will be an emotional post but also freeing. If sexual abuse is a trigger then please skip over this post.

For those of you on social media, I'm sure you have seen the Me Too movement spreading around. The post states,

"Me too. If all the people who have been sexually assaulted wrote "Me too" as a status, we might give people a sense of the magnitude of the problem."

I have read where some people feel like this is victimizing the people that have been sexually assaulted and calling them out. Instead of the monsters that did these acts coming out and owning up. Truthfully, I don't agree. It takes true strength to come out and admit to friends and loved ones that you were sexually assaulted. 

Sexual Assault can be defined as Sexual assault is any type of sexual contact or behavior that occurs without the explicit consent of the recipient. Falling under the definition of sexual assault are sexual activities as forced sexual intercourse, forcible sodomy, child molestation, incest, fondling, and attempted rape.

Tonight I'm choosing to share my story. It might seem broken in parts but it's a story that I've held in for a long time. It's a story that I feel calls awareness. I've shared bits and pieces but overall, I've kept pretty quiet about it all. At the same time, I don't feel like I'll ever be ready to face my offender because they are in my life everyday. I cross paths with them although over the last few months I have almost severed ties with them.

When I was 13 I was up late one night with my father. It was a common thing for us to do. He would usually let me stay up later than my brother and sister. I remember that night clearly. It often haunts me in my sleep.

We were watching The Crow. I had just gotten my nails done. I remember I had finished up dishes and I was picking underneath them. I can still feel my nails hitting each other. My dad had playfully slapped my hand and told me to quit. He was complaining about his back hurting and I told him if he wanted to sit in front of me he could. I remember rubbing his shoulders and the movie coming to a close. 

He grabbed my left hand and kissed it. I went to pull away but he pulled me closer to him. I felt frozen in time. I couldn't move. That's when he caressed my breast. I jerked away quickly and played it off as nothing. Just to escape.

I went upstairs and bawled my eyes out. I tore off the clothes I was wearing. I blamed myself for it. I tried to call my mom at work but worried that my dad would hear me. I slept in the loft upstairs and I could hear my dad. I waited patiently for him to go sleep but eventually fell asleep crying myself.

The next day I broke down to my grandmother and told her everything that happened. She immediately called my mom. My mom came over and kept guilt tripping me. She went from being on my side to against me in an instant. My dad's parents made me feel terrible. I eventually felt so bad about this I told my mom I lied about all of it. 

I was told my father couldn't be around me and I would need to go live with my grandmother for awhile until everyone was able to heal from the hole I ripped into my family.

Over the years my relationship with my parents has been fractured but I've tried to keep it somewhat together for the sake of Ally knowing her grandparents. I know it doesn't make sense why as an adult I didn't just sever ties from my family but part it is I was raised to be a people pleaser. I was raised to believe Divorce wasn't an option. To always be charitable. To always keep a kind heart.

So I blamed myself for all the shit between my father and I. I worked tirelessly to always mend the damage that was caused. I think this is part of why I am so damaged as an adult. Why I don't function well as often as I would like. Why some days are heavier than others. I am getting better about talking but sometimes I just feel heavy.



Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Six Months

Six months ago my life was falling apart. I had just been cat-fished and lost $3000 in the process. I had nothing to my name and no idea where my daughter or I would go. Then this man came back into my life after years of not really talking. He was willing to take Ally and I in until I got back onto my feet. Even though I was determined to get on my own and remain strictly friends with him, love had other ideas. It has been a roller coaster of a ride but I can't imagine life without him. It feels like it has been longer than six months. I know life is tough sometimes but we always persevere and find a way. I am so thankful to have somebody who is so supportive and always looking out for my happiness. I am absolutely spoiled by him. Shaun is everything I imagined finding love would be. He is my light on the darkest days. The way he is with Ally makes me excited for us to have kids of our own someday. I can't imagine life without him and as we make plans for the future I am beyond excited.





Monday, October 9, 2017

Karma

Today karma finally payed her visit. My ex-husband was arrested for assault. The details on who he assaulted have not be released but I do know from calling that no bail has been set yet. I have my theories on who it could be but I am still waiting for more information. This topped with his admission to Kris that he is unable to pass a drug test just made my case against him even stronger. Between this and Brittany's admission on her blog that she left my daughter and her alone while she went for a walk has placed an air tight seal. I don't feel sorry for him in the least. We have all told him that eventually karma would catch up to him for all that he has done. That eventually all the pain, hurt, lies, and manipulation would get him in trouble. Now he has at least one night in jail and a hearing before a judge in the morning. This will also be public information along with the police report from where Brittany claimed he choked her. This brings such a sigh of relief because even the small sliver of hope he had at taking Ally or getting more time with her has just been thrown out the window. I feel sated for the first time in a long time. No longer that small area of worry because this will be more than likely be on his record. This just goes to show that you may get away for awhile but eventually you have to pay for your wrong doings. I just hope justice is served come tomorrow.

Rising Above