Monday, October 16, 2017

Me Too

Trigger Warning: The following post will contain mentions of sexual abuse. It will be an emotional post but also freeing. If sexual abuse is a trigger then please skip over this post.

For those of you on social media, I'm sure you have seen the Me Too movement spreading around. The post states,

"Me too. If all the people who have been sexually assaulted wrote "Me too" as a status, we might give people a sense of the magnitude of the problem."

I have read where some people feel like this is victimizing the people that have been sexually assaulted and calling them out. Instead of the monsters that did these acts coming out and owning up. Truthfully, I don't agree. It takes true strength to come out and admit to friends and loved ones that you were sexually assaulted. 

Sexual Assault can be defined as Sexual assault is any type of sexual contact or behavior that occurs without the explicit consent of the recipient. Falling under the definition of sexual assault are sexual activities as forced sexual intercourse, forcible sodomy, child molestation, incest, fondling, and attempted rape.

Tonight I'm choosing to share my story. It might seem broken in parts but it's a story that I've held in for a long time. It's a story that I feel calls awareness. I've shared bits and pieces but overall, I've kept pretty quiet about it all. At the same time, I don't feel like I'll ever be ready to face my offender because they are in my life everyday. I cross paths with them although over the last few months I have almost severed ties with them.

When I was 13 I was up late one night with my father. It was a common thing for us to do. He would usually let me stay up later than my brother and sister. I remember that night clearly. It often haunts me in my sleep.

We were watching The Crow. I had just gotten my nails done. I remember I had finished up dishes and I was picking underneath them. I can still feel my nails hitting each other. My dad had playfully slapped my hand and told me to quit. He was complaining about his back hurting and I told him if he wanted to sit in front of me he could. I remember rubbing his shoulders and the movie coming to a close. 

He grabbed my left hand and kissed it. I went to pull away but he pulled me closer to him. I felt frozen in time. I couldn't move. That's when he caressed my breast. I jerked away quickly and played it off as nothing. Just to escape.

I went upstairs and bawled my eyes out. I tore off the clothes I was wearing. I blamed myself for it. I tried to call my mom at work but worried that my dad would hear me. I slept in the loft upstairs and I could hear my dad. I waited patiently for him to go sleep but eventually fell asleep crying myself.

The next day I broke down to my grandmother and told her everything that happened. She immediately called my mom. My mom came over and kept guilt tripping me. She went from being on my side to against me in an instant. My dad's parents made me feel terrible. I eventually felt so bad about this I told my mom I lied about all of it. 

I was told my father couldn't be around me and I would need to go live with my grandmother for awhile until everyone was able to heal from the hole I ripped into my family.

Over the years my relationship with my parents has been fractured but I've tried to keep it somewhat together for the sake of Ally knowing her grandparents. I know it doesn't make sense why as an adult I didn't just sever ties from my family but part it is I was raised to be a people pleaser. I was raised to believe Divorce wasn't an option. To always be charitable. To always keep a kind heart.

So I blamed myself for all the shit between my father and I. I worked tirelessly to always mend the damage that was caused. I think this is part of why I am so damaged as an adult. Why I don't function well as often as I would like. Why some days are heavier than others. I am getting better about talking but sometimes I just feel heavy.



Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Six Months

Six months ago my life was falling apart. I had just been cat-fished and lost $3000 in the process. I had nothing to my name and no idea where my daughter or I would go. Then this man came back into my life after years of not really talking. He was willing to take Ally and I in until I got back onto my feet. Even though I was determined to get on my own and remain strictly friends with him, love had other ideas. It has been a roller coaster of a ride but I can't imagine life without him. It feels like it has been longer than six months. I know life is tough sometimes but we always persevere and find a way. I am so thankful to have somebody who is so supportive and always looking out for my happiness. I am absolutely spoiled by him. Shaun is everything I imagined finding love would be. He is my light on the darkest days. The way he is with Ally makes me excited for us to have kids of our own someday. I can't imagine life without him and as we make plans for the future I am beyond excited.





Monday, October 9, 2017

Karma

Today karma finally payed her visit. My ex-husband was arrested for assault. The details on who he assaulted have not be released but I do know from calling that no bail has been set yet. I have my theories on who it could be but I am still waiting for more information. This topped with his admission to Kris that he is unable to pass a drug test just made my case against him even stronger. Between this and Brittany's admission on her blog that she left my daughter and her alone while she went for a walk has placed an air tight seal. I don't feel sorry for him in the least. We have all told him that eventually karma would catch up to him for all that he has done. That eventually all the pain, hurt, lies, and manipulation would get him in trouble. Now he has at least one night in jail and a hearing before a judge in the morning. This will also be public information along with the police report from where Brittany claimed he choked her. This brings such a sigh of relief because even the small sliver of hope he had at taking Ally or getting more time with her has just been thrown out the window. I feel sated for the first time in a long time. No longer that small area of worry because this will be more than likely be on his record. This just goes to show that you may get away for awhile but eventually you have to pay for your wrong doings. I just hope justice is served come tomorrow.

Rising Above


Sunday, October 8, 2017

Sunday Funday

Today was a day well spent. Kristina and I actually got some time in today without the worries of a busy schedule or time limits. I was actually really surprised by Bella, she has definitely made strides in being more open to social activities and I am so proud of her. Ally had a blast so overall today was a win win. We let the girls played and had us a girly afternoon. If everything works out this week we will also have matching tattoos. I am really glad to be so close to Kristina despite our rocky start. I can't imagine not having her as my best friend. We at pizza, splurged on some junk food, and popped in a movie. Today was the way the girls deserve to have life. Stress and worry free. Just be able to act like girls without worrying about their mommas. It was so sweet to watch Charlie just haul off and enjoy her newfound freedom walking everywhere now. Tonight will be dedicated to time spent with Ally and Shaun. We are having pork chops, butter noodles, and baked potatoes. Since Ally doesn't have school tomorrow we'll be finishing the night off with Transformers.


These three little girls are everything to me. I loved watching Bella and Ally interact. I am so glad they are finding a strong bond as sisters. Charlie of course had to jump in and make herself known as well.


This beautiful cutie gives me heavy baby fever. I love snagging pictures with her because she is just so damn cute.


We couldn't get Bella to stay still long enough for very many pictures so we got a selfie of the three of us.


So cute despite the big mess they made.


Cutie pie!


If everything works out Kristina and I will be going Friday to get a Friday the 13th tattoo. Tattoos are on sale for $13 plus a $7 tip is a really good deal. We have agreed on the Deathly Hallows Symbol (1) and a great spot to put it. It symbolizes the strength of our friendship and of course our mad obsession with Harry Potter.


I am also thinking about getting a Hello Kitty Storm Trooper as well pending finances.

Self-Care


Self-care is always important. If you aren't tending to yourself how can you expect to take care of others? So I did a thing the other day. I redid my hair, Shaun's treat. Shaun prefers long, straight hair so I have been taking time to straighten it. I have noticed how great I feel and how much Shaun loves it. So it's a win, win.


I feel absolutely gorgeous with my hair like this. It takes a bit longer to style but it definitely fits me. Friday was payday early since Monday is a holiday. Shaun insisted I treat myself for once instead of buying for him and Ally. Sally Beauty Supply had a sale on Mane 'N Tail BOGO. So I indulged on myself and bought some. It is supposed to be really good with hair growth. I am hoping that this mixed with my daily biotin will help encourage my hair to continue growing and stay healthy.


Friday night was mommy and me night. I took Ally to the movies to see the new My Little Pony movie. She absolutely loved it. It was a blast to watch and we both really enjoyed the date night. I try to do something just for us every week and I'm glad she enjoyed to splurge.


My heart is so full. Look at how cute these two are! I had to work a 13 hour day today and Shaun sent this to me over snapchat. I am so thankful that he has stepped up to take care of Ally and I. We are truly blessed. On Tuesday it will have been six months! Can you believe it?

Our lease will up be in March so we are looking around for our next place. We are looking for something permanent to make our forever home. It's looking like a Duplex is going to be our best option. It would give Ally the backyard she has always wanted, a garage for us, and an extra bedroom for Shaun to have to stream in. Life is pretty fantastic loves.


Today I get to see Kristina and my girls. I am so glad that Kris and I have worked so hard to have a great relationship. The road to get here wasn't easy but once we took Jr out of the mix everything has gone much smoother. I get baby cuddles and Ally gets sister time. Not to mention checking out the new Pirates of The Caribbean and Transformers with pizza and my bestfriend.

I am so proud of this girl you guys. She has made great strides to let go of the toxic environment that is Jr. She is working hard to provide the best life for her girls. Even though not having a daddy is hard, the girls will learn strength from their mother. It is better to have a strong tribe that loves you than a father that won't fight for you or even step up to be there.

It's time to get some sleep, play dates come early. I'll definitely be posting pictures tomorrow from our fantastic play date.

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Breaking Point


Good Morning lovelies! Today is surely to be a great day. I was able to kick back and relax last night so I feel a million times better today. I want to apologize but I have so much to catch up on that I don't want to try to jam it all into one big post so I am going to do a series of posts so be sure to scroll through and catch up!

On September 30th I was shopping with Ally and Shaun when I received a call from my ex. We hardly talk as it is because it is always drama and not worth my time. I barely had time to say hello before I was accused of giving his number out and somebody calling him anonymously and having sex on the phone. He said this lasted for five minutes before he hung. My thing is, why did you stay on the phone for so long?

On top of these accusations, he also proceeded to continuously call my boyfriend a N word. This always lights me on fire because my boyfriend has done nothing to deserve his hateful attitude. He has done nothing but love and support Ally and I. I refuse to abide by his and Brittany's rule to "stay in my race." This on top of the threats made me hit my breaking point with him. I've been distant for a long time because I don't tolerate the disrespect from anyone. You don't have to like Shaun but you do have to respect my relationship.

He's moving at the end of the month (in theory). He has also decided to sign off his rights to Allisun and blame me for not wanting anything to do with her. 

To tell you guys how smart my five year old is, we talked about this. I tell her if she ever wants to call her daddy to just let me know. She always tells me, "Nah, I'm good. I just want my dollies back."

This is heartbreaking but it also shows how my daughter has come to terms with everything.  I mean, she was taken from everything she knew for three weeks then brought home and he hasn't bothered with her since. I refuse to bend and give into demands.

He gave me his terms for the divorce yesterday but I refuse to speak to him until he apologizes for his accusations and racist remarks.

So this is me cutting all ties. I've been done for years but continually accusing me and calling my boyfriend names makes that snap even easier.