Sunday, May 21, 2017

A Small Treat

Last night was so much fun. Usually on paydays I try to do a small treat for Ally if money allows. Yesterday we decided to take S and my brother with us. We went to dinner at Chick Fil-A so Ally could have time in the play place and we could talk without a million important things from Ally.

Afterwards we went to a local popcorn shop to try various types of popcorn. We ended up taking a bag of the cinnamon toast crunch. Then it was off to Braums to round off the night with ice cream.

S convinced me to get a new phone. I've been in need for awhile but I always get stuff for Ally before myself. Since there was a little extra I decided to go ahead and get one.

Once we got home Ally went straight to bed. We wore her out. Then it was just S and I until I passed out. Overall a pretty great day.

Thursday, May 18, 2017

My Truth

Yesterday I made a major slide downhill and I am embarrassed for how I acted. I acted purely out of anger and I knew Brittany was just looking for a reaction but in the moment I read her post, I was fueled with nothing but anger. I have worked hard to make moves toward a positive lifestyle for my health. I am finally getting answers about my health and getting much needed help. I know that is important I watch my stress and I stay focused on Ally and I's life. Not stepping backwards. It's hard not to react when lies are posted. I have completely owned up to the damage I inflicted in my marriage. I have let go and moved forward. I apologized for my verbal and physical abuse to my ex. I know that I have caused damage but one thing I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt is that I never cheated. In five years I remained faithful and did everything I could to salvage my marriage. I don't feel the need to do a "Truth" post because I know the details that ended my marriage, what went wrong and what went right. I do feel like a clarity post is in order. I know that I did everything I was raised to do and I fought to make my marriage work. I wasn't "lazy", I was depressed. I had to pull all of the weight. My ex didn't want to work. In the five years we were together he only held a job solidly for 5 months. I have shelled out so much money it's ridiculous. But I believed him and I loved him. Even when he was shattering my heart, I came crawling back for more.

So for someone to say I didn't believe in him or fight for my marriage they are wrong. When his affair with another woman began in front of me I still fought. Even when I was in the ER because I had a panic attack so severe I couldn't breathe. Even when I was locked out of my room on my daughter's birthday. I fought.

I lost 3 liters of blood with my daughter. We had an emergency C-Section and my daughter wasn't breathing when she was born. My in-laws live on a dirt road. My brother in-law was barely doing 5 miles down our dirt road and I sat in the truck sobbing because of the pain it put me through. I didn't run off with Ally, I did what was best for my recovery so I could be there for my husband. It took between 6 and 8 weeks just for the swelling to go down enough so I could walk. I gave Joey the ultimatum to be with us in Fort Worth or stay in Bowie. He chose to be with his wife and child.

I left in 2015 because he chose another woman over me. We were in his bedroom with the other woman and I gave him one final chance to choose I us. I fought for a year while he was having the affair blatantly in front of me to save us. I did everything a wife was supposed to do and yes the depression was downright crippling but I tried so don't for a second think it's okay to post about something you know nothing about. Get all the facts before you think it's okay to post about my life.

I have worked hard to build the life Ally and I are living and I am damn proud of us. By myself we built a life for us. My family, Whatafamily, and friends have been huge supporters but at the end of the day we did this. We got ourselves a vehicle. We got ourselves a bigger apartment. We did and I won't let myself backslide just because someone has nothing but time on their hands.

I didn't plan my life this way but I am thankful for the life I am living. I have made the necessary calls and soon reality will kick in for those who think I am full of empty threats. For now, I am going to enjoy enchiladas and a movie with my honey and Ally. I am living my best life and it's all I could ask for. I'm not perfect by any means but each day I strive to do a little bit better than the day before.

Collateral Beauty

Synopsis: When a successful New York advertising executive (Will Smith) suffers a great tragedy, he retreats from life. While his concerned friends try desperately to reconnect with him, he seeks answers from the universe by writing letters to Love, Time and Death. When his notes bring unexpected personal responses, he begins to understand how these constants interlock in a life fully lived and how even the deepest loss can reveal moments of meaning and beauty.

My Thoughts: I absolutely loved this movie. I watched it on a date night with S and as most of Will Smith's dramas do, it had me in tears. I was truly wrapped in the story-line and knew I had to see it through. The casting was spectacular and it really puts a spin on grieving and how one is supposed to move forward after a devastating loss. Will Smith definitely knows how to drama.

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Doctor's Visit

I went to the doctor on Monday and there was a lot of painful truth. I am at my heaviest weight. 227.6. I was only at 223 when I was busting my ass to lose this weight. At my lowest I was at 199. I worked my ass off to lose every pound only to have gained it all back and then some.

She is getting copies of my X-Rays because she believes that my hip is more messed up than originally thought. I'll find out more about that in two weeks but she is thinking I might need surgery.

I'll also find out whether or not I'm diabetic and what the next step it. I explained my constant fatigue to her and she thinks it might be a vitamin efficiency so she ran a blood panel and again, we'll find out in two weeks the results of that. Everything now is just a waiting game. A long two week waiting game.

I have been diagnosed with severe manic depression. Something the doctor said during our appointment really stuck with me. She said there is a difference between moving on and coping. You can move on and leave the past behind but if you haven't coped with it, it will still eat you alive. I have moved on from Joey. It took me two years but I have moved on. She's right though, I haven't coped with it. I never got a why or an apology. I accepted that and moved on but it is still rough from time to time but I have worked tirelessly to move forward.

13 Reasons Why

Trigger Warning: This post will feature suicide, the power of words, and how we affect each other.

Over the last two days S and I have been binge watching 13 Reasons Why. At first, I wasn't going to watch it due to all of the hype around it but in the aftermath I am glad I did watch it. It was painful to watch because it is such a common thing happening yet as a society we are so unaware. We spend so much time judging each other instead of being there. I have been a victim of bullying and I know first hand the pain it causes. I have also been the bully and lashed out because I thought if I could an ounce of pain it would ease my own. It never did but I thought it was worth a shot. I also know what happens when you are on the victim side of it. I know crying in the bathroom stalls. Holding back the tears and trying to be quiet so nobody hears you falling apart. I went to the doctor a few days ago and have been diagnosed with Severe Manic Depression. This will be addressed in another post but depression doesn't happen overnight. There are so many things that trigger it.

What most people don't know is I used to harm myself. I used to cut. Many people don't get why people cut. It's because you can psychically feel the pain and there a therapeutic release from it. I almost lost my sister because she was doing it for months and nobody knew. Not even me who slept in the same room as her. I remember coming home from school that day. My mom on the couch in tears holding my sister asking if I knew about it. I didn't and it hurt that I didn't see what was right in front of me.

When I was 13, I attempted to Overdose. I felt like my life was too much. That everyone would be better off without me. Watching 13 Reasons Why you see it from the other side. You see the triggers. What causes a person to feel that they have no choice but to take their own life. It isn't an easy decision. There is so much thought and planning that goes into taking your own life.

This is why I feel like Brit and Kris should lay off of each other. Of course I don't believe that either would take their life but your triggering Kris's depression. Joey made a lot of empty promises to many people and we have all tried to make both of you see the truth. For instance, Joey wasn't faithful by any means. He still slept with me while under the same roof as Brit. We would wait for her to take a hot bath or offer to the run to the store together. All the evidence that Brit needed was right under her nose. Even the day he came by to get rid of my washer and dryer, we slept together then. Not only was he sleeping with me but he was still receiving nudes from Kris as well. He was with all three of us in a sense at the same time. But if he's become a righteous man overnight then best of happiness to you.

My point with this post? You don't know a person's truth. You don't what a person is going through. To outsiders you may seem just fine even though a piece of you is dying inside. It is the hardest thing to live with. Not having anyone to explain the constant ache in your chest. The tears that shed almost on command.

I really feel like 13 Reasons Why really made an impact and it is something that I will make Ally watch when she is older. Next year she'll be in a bigger school and she needs to understand the power of words and actions. My biggest fear is that the people she meets will crush her big heart and it is so important for me to be aware as her mother and to always be her biggest support system.

The Power of Presence

I am always bragging about Ally and how proud I am of her. I like to think that we have a pretty open relationship and that she can come to me about anything. Something she said the other has had me deep in thought though. She told not only my family but also her school that her dad died 20 years ago. I took her out to eat after school so we could talk about it. I asked her what happened at school. She flat out told me that she told her teacher that her dad died. I explained to her that he wasn't dead. He was just busy with work. Mind you she is five, she then told me that she wasn't stupid. That she knows her Daddy doesn't want her and he might as well be dead. Do you realize how soul crushing that is as a mother that your child considers her father dead? At one point, I made all the effort so he could be there. I put out the gas money, drove to pick him up, covered the lie so he could away from Brit. Every time he would be spending time with Ally, here comes Brittany to bitch because he wasn't there tending to her every whim and desire. Now he would rather blame me for not putting the effort forward when it is his responsibility. If he expects to be apart of her life, he needs to be consistent and show up instead of this constant pity party for one. For now, I'll continue to nurse my baby's broken heart and work towards moving on.

Several Posts

A lot has happened over the last several days and instead of doing one big long post, I'll be doing several small ones. Stay tuned. For now, I have a princess to run to school.