Monday, May 28, 2018

Confused?

I want to start by apologizing for my long stretch in between posts. I have grown to enjoy my privacy especially due to everything that has happened with my ex. I am learning to value that not everything is meant to be spoken but with that being said, there has been a lot of heavy things happening over the last few days.

I've been reading, listening but not speaking. There seems to be confusion and not everyone getting the full story. I don't understand how anyone could ever expect all three of us to get along when not every mother in this situation has the kid's best interests at heart. I don't understand how you can fault a mother for protecting her children. Especially when you are being trusted with them. Trusted to care and protect them. If there is a document stating that person A is not allowed around my child then I expect that to be respected.

I won't pretend to know all sides. I know this is a huge problem with social media, you only get bite sized chunks of what could be the truth. But I do know my own experiences and my own truth which is plenty for me.

I've watched Kris become psychically ill from all of this. Her mental health being affected as well.

We have all made mistakes. We have went round and round. We always forgive each other because that's what family does. We have all hurt one another. We have all made threats. I mean shit, you allowed your son to have his affair right under your roof but yet I still let it go and moved forward.

I'm uneasy about Brittany talking to Shaun simply because none of their social circles run the same. Just last year her and my ex did nothing but slander him because he is of a different race. According to them, he was a good for nothing N*. He has been called that harsh words on multiple occasions.

I've kept people at arm's lengths because I did start listening to my own gut. I mean when you can't confide in someone without them running and telling their children and their s/o what you said, what can you do? At the end of the day, I will always protect Ally simply because she is growing and changing so much. She is becoming such a smart, beautiful, independent young lady.

I understand we all have our own lives to lead. I have never faulted my ex-MIL for that. I have only placed distance because I don't want my daughter associating with someone she feels unsafe around. But I would make other arrangements for her to see her when said person wasn't around. But now I can't trust that she won't invite my ex and his s/o over to spend time with Ally. I don't understand where things got so twisted and became so gruesome. But then again, I hardly talk to anyone anymore. I've been focused on Ally, Shaun, work, and sleep.

If it weren't for the constant threat that the children would be ripped from one another I would have no problem with play dates with Ally seeing Damian. She sees the girls when time allows but with Kris living an hour away, us both working long hours, and days off clashing it seems impossible to get them together.

I don't think this situation has anything to do with being petty. At least in my case it isn't. It's about what is best for Ally. I have invited her grandparents to come here to see her because I simply can't afford the long trip and I always come to them, so I've opened my home should they want to see Allisun. I have matured to the point where I don't care who anyone befriends but I also have the right to protect my circle especially Ally.

Kris is hurting and rightfully so. I can already hear her telling me I'm wasting my breath with this section of my post but I am so damn sick of everyone making her out to be someone she is not. I've been in her shoes and it's hard to hit a breaking point. It's hard to snap. Just like I did, she left her family despite their warnings about Joey and went to build a life with him. Letting his family take her in as her own. Of course she's hurting because they are shunning her and for what? Just because she doesn't want someone who has proven themselves a danger to be around their kids? Brittany tried to kill me back in 2015 and I've witnessed her manic episodes so of course I wouldn't want that around my child either. Now that she has taken off the rose colored glasses and put her head on straight, she's faulted? How you can fault her or pin her as the crazy ex when for 8 plus years she has been plan B. She has been the fallback gal. Full of empty promises. Yes, there was a time when I hated her but now I sympathize with her because I understand how's she is feeling. But she also needs to remember that she is a survivor. She survived the emotional abuse. She came out on the other side of it. The babies are young enough that they can heal from this and move on.

I just don't understand the foolishness of all of this. Why it has to be assumed the kids are being stripped from their grandparents just because we don't someone around the kids that has proven themselves unsafe.

I'm sorry for the long post lovelies, I've just found it better to vent rather than hold things in because that only makes it worse. For once though, life is going pretty well for us. Summer vacation has started and we have all kinds of fun in store for Ally. It's time to nap before work tonight, brightest blessings lovelies.

Growing Up


Big Girl is officially a First Grader!


So so proud!


Custom outfit I purchased just for the occasion!


Now that we have a washer and dryer Ally is doing her own laundry!

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

Exciting News


My sister found out Today she's having twins! She is so shocked but oh so happy!

Monday, May 14, 2018

Look Who's Stitching Again!


A friend of mine LOVES sloths. There is a meme about this particular piece. You can google it if you like. She asked if I would do a custom piece for her to hang in her home. I told her it would take a bit as I have to work around my schedule but she's patient.


This fabric is actually way more vibrant in person but so far it's coming along. I am doing a few stitches here and there where time allows.

A Special Dinner & Morning Sweetness


Mother's Day was fantastic. I had a girl's day with Ally while Shaun was at work. We built a new lego set and watched Spirited Away, the animated series on Netflix. I love our girl time!


Shaun came home from work last night and I just expected us to make some ramen, watch a little tv, and head to bed. He told me he was gonna make dinner for me. Chicken Parmesean. It was beyond delivious. I will always take his cooking at home over fast food any day. It was definitely a special night cap to a great Mother's Day.


This morning I went to wake up Ally for school and I saw the cutest sight. She was holding her new kitty tight. It was so cute!

Trust

Trust is described as firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something. I have thought long and hard all night about how to go about this post. I am not ruthless about many things but I am my daughter's warrior. For those of you that have followed my journey with my ex you completely understand why I am so protective over her. Why I am willing to go to whatever length necessary to protect her. I keep the circle of people that are allowed to watch my daughter small. I expect when I allow my daughter with someone whether it be family or friend's that they understand why I don't want my ex around. He hasn't bothered to see his daughter since July of 2017. The only effort he has made was when he picked up Brittany and they decided making home in a hotel was the life to live. Then when he caused a scene at my place of employment because he thought letting her spend the night on Sunday and coming home at 3 am on school day was the thing to do. In fact, he was in town yesterday and I didn't receive one text or call regarding him seeing his daughter. Shows how much he cares. This is why I don't associate with him or let him around Ally. She has already been through so much because of him and I won't allow any further damage. Especially when he's forcing his son on his other two daughters.

I have rocky relationships that have taken time to repair because of things said on my part and their part. I will always put Ally's safety as priority number one. I found out some devastating news yesterday that has made me doubt a lot. I have tried to convince myself that the relationship with Ally is of true value. But when you find out that people who can't be trusted have been allowed around someone else's child, who's to say it hasn't happened with your own child?

I consider myself a forgiving person. I would think that the trauma that all of the children have gone through would be enough proof to not allow them into your life. I am hurt to say the least. If you can't trust your own family and friends around your child then who can you trust? It certainly isn't any daycare. I feel like I've been shaken to my core. I shook off my mom when she said at the end of the day they'll always protect their child regardless of their actions. They'll always give in to their children.

I understand that this though because I would go to the end of the earth for Ally. I would do whatever it took to ensure she is always happy but when she's on the wrong path it will be my job as her parent to correct her behavior. It will be my duty to keep her on the right path and let her know when she's in the wrong.

Being a parent hasn't been easy. I've had many breakdowns to my mom as to whether or not I've been doing the right thing. I've needed countless guidance because there is no manual on how to raise the perfect child. All children are flawed in one way or another. Those tragic moment's help shape though. Those happy moments help shape them. It's our jobs to mold them in the best version of themselves.

I don't claim to be perfect because I'm not but I would never intentionally bring people around my daughter that have only hurt her and dulled her sunshine. My Ally is the sweetest little girl you'll ever meet and I'll do whatever it takes to keep her that way as long as possible. She's been forced to grow up a little too soon due to the grown up situations her father has put her through.

Saturday, May 12, 2018

A Very Special Present

When I was married, my ex husband never did anything to celebrate holiday's. I never received a gift for Mother's day and that was okay. I understood that was our dynamic. I won't say it didn't hurt but I also grew up with parent's who valued the holiday's and even in their daily lives showed each other their appreciation for one another. Even when money was tight my dad would at least get my mother flowers for Mother's Day.

The only gift I've ever received is a homemade gift from Ally last year which meant the world to me. This year definitely tops that. Ally has been plotting with Shaun all day to make tomorrow special. Since we were both off today, we decided to celebrate today. That was until I came home from work in so much pain all I could do was lay in bed and try to not to cry. My hip pain is definitely giving me a run for my money. So I've spent today in bed resting.


Ally came home from my grandmother's and ran into the bedroom yelling at me to wake up. She was beyond excited. I opened up everything to find perfume from Victoria's Secret, Harry Potter Themed Socks,a Golden Snitch necklace, and nail polish that is in bottles shaped like skulls. All topped off with a beautiful card Ally made me.

I had to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall. It meant so much to me that Shaun and Ally put so much thought into a gift for me. Especially considering my mismatched socks drives Shaun crazy. Definitely won't forget this Mother's Day. 

Brightest Blessings Lovelies!