Sunday, August 23, 2015

Project Self-Love: The Long Winded Edition

As I was reading over at Words of Me for this weeks word it struck me as ironic. The word of the week felt very fitting as I made my decision regarding the future yesterday. Not having Ally leaves me to swim in my thoughts and really take time to reflect in my own life. Where I want to be, where I am headed. What my next move will be. I have been caught up in the rush of the possibility of saving my marriage. I once again gave into the lies and manipulation but after watching two women post about their love for this man I realize that it's time for me to step away and move on with my own life. My marriage shouldn't be a competition. I shouldn't feel like if I did take this opportunity I would be walking back into prison.

See what I mean about ironic? Sometimes there are words I feel but can't quite place. I have felt more overwhelmed since Ally left Friday. I was really happy that she was home early this morning and we were able to get some much needed cuddles in. I have to get off my chest how I am feeling so maybe I can process it and move on.

See on Thursday we went to the second Child Support hearing to determine custody and child support. My ex and I agreed that I would be primary guardian over Ally. We are going through with standard custody. Afterwards he asked if I'd like to tag along with him to the recruiter. I won't say too much more but after the recruiter I was left with a sense of hope. He asked for our marriage back and I was seriously thinking about until I found out from his current girlfriend it was all a front.

Once again, I was played the fool. See my marriage was just going to be used as the front so he could get in and then shortly after divorce me so his girlfriend could tag along. This was the final straw.  I tried over and over to justify this decision but couldn't bring myself to understand it. So I decided to take a stand.

Sometimes all it takes is your mother's advice to help you take off the rose colored glasses and see the situation for what it is. I have spent four years in and out of a marriage. I survived more through that marriage with his s/o and his current girlfriend. I have tried to make friends and get over this situation. The only way to get over this is to move on with my life. I have a beautiful daughter that deserves more than to be uprooted again.

After serious thought I have decided that the divorce is my best option right now. I need to remove myself from the drama and focus on me. Ally and I have been here since May and worked really hard. No, my job isn't the best paying but it is a job. I have a solid plan and it's up to me to go through with and stay with it. My life is slowly coming together and it's time I allow it to stay that way.

Height: 5'1
Starting Weight: 223.6
Last Weigh-In: 193.8
Current Weight: 192
Change: -1.8
Total Weight Destroyed: -31.6
Pounds To Forget: 42

This is a tremendous achievement. I have been doing this the old fashioned way. Diet and exercise. I am extremely proud of myself and I am working really hard to be in the 180s before September 1st. This is my chance to really do something and change for the better. This is my journey and I have to do this for me and Ally.

So here's to the end of one chapter and the beginning of another.


  1. I am happy for you that you figured out what he was up to before you put everything back into the marriage. That really was a terrible thing to do to you!

    Good for you on being down almost 32 lbs!!!! That is awesome!!

    1. Thank you Khristine, I am very excited to be down so many pounds!


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