Surprise, surprise. I found new blog love. Words of Me Project has a few self-love challenges to help motivate, inspire, and make you reflect. I decided to start with her six week word challenge. Sometimes things happen at just the right now. Whether its finding inspiration, or that witchy tingle that tells you to look further. Hey, slaps you in the face. YOU NEED TO READ THIS BLOG. I don't get pushed very often but my does she get my attention when I need to see, hear, or read something. I am always up for challenges and although I don't always finish them, I love starting them and trying to finish them. As I work my way through Words of Me, I am titling this Project Self-Love. Without further ado, this weeks word is.....
My word for 2015 is Strength. For me though, courage ties right along with that. It takes courage to walk away from a chapter of your life regardless of what the ugly details are. It takes courage to trust that co-parenting will work without a custody agreement in place just yet. It takes courage to walk away from an emotionally abusive marriage.
I found out through the grapevine that things are extremely hairy between my ex-husband and his s/o. He was surprised that she hadn't tried to get in touch with me asking for help. I told him that each person opens their eyes in due time. When things first got ugly, I was there for her to lean on and get out of the situation but instead I was accused of meddling so I stepped away. The only thing I worry about is my daughter's safety while she is visiting family. I don't know all the details but I know enough to make me thankful that I am out that of situation. As I told my ex from experience she will come crawling back with tears and endless apologies. It is sad but you can't force someone to open their eyes. It took four years for me to truly see him for what he is. No, I'm not going to bad mouth him but in every person there is a monster underneath. Some just show more obvious than others.
It takes courage.
The biggest part of my life that has taken courage lately is being a single mother. I have mad respect for the mothers that do it every day and have been. My family situation has gotten worse and I am at my wits ends. It feels like my ex is celebrating this because he thinks this will lead to my daughter moving with her grandparents and me visiting. I have never let my daughter leave my side for long periods of time. The longest she is gone is for two, three days max then back home to her mother.
I am incredibly proud with how moving out has strengthened my relationship with Allisun. She is truly my saving grace. I am not a perfect person nor a perfect parent but everything I do is for her. I am human and there are days where I feel like I am failing her because of our situation. The recital program I was so stoked to put her in isn't able to happen due to babysitter issues.
My Aunt may be pressing charges against me. Although I know that her accusations won't stick, it is still a painful wound. We got into an argument a few days ago and her therapist says she can file charges against me for aggravating a mentally ill person. I support therapy as much as the next person, if not more but this is getting ridiculous.
When we moved in, it was a set in stone agreement that she would be the primary babysitter for my daughter while I work. The lovely therapist told her she has a right to say no. The root of this almost week long feud is that while she has the right to say no, being considerate and giving more than two days notice would have been nice.
My Aunt is a homebody. I have tried and tried to help her make friends, lose weight, get out of the house, etc. I help where I can financially and pick up most of the home load of things. I have been extremely thankful for her babysitting but now that she isn't everything is in jeopardy. Babysitting, my job, my future. I am in full blown panic mode because she threw a big enough stink that I am to work on moving out ASAP. I have only been here four months. My car died so I am selling it. If I had a car, I would have already been moved out but I don't.
After everything my daughter has been through between his current s/o, our fighting, his lady friend. I have kept my family situation away from her because it would shatter me to see her hurt anymore than she already has. I break down like many people but the minute those beautiful eyes look at me or my sweet girl gives me loving. Well, I know I am home.
It take courage to move day to day. To remember the strength you have within but as a mother our children's safety always comes first. I am incredibly thankful for the blogging community because I know I can come here and vent to you, and you'll read and respond or even lurk.
Throughout the week Courage will be my theme. When I come across something that makes me think of courage, I will post it. I may even incorporate some witch stuff into this week to tie in.
What does courage mean to you?