The Four Queens on Youtube tonight. Throughout September when one of her topics really speak to me I plan to do a blog response. She also posted some journal topics so when speaks to me I'll blog there as well. Work is crazy busy so I am stitching as time allows because I don't want to feel pressured in my own hobby. I hate when I reach burnout because then it leads to doubt when I feel like I may want to start up again. The biggest part of self-love is just that. SELF love. Dedicating time to YOU. Knowing that it's not selfish to take time for yourself whether your male, female, a mom, single, married, divorced. Whatever you may be, it is okay to take out a breather for yourself. Self-Love and freedom are tied together for me. As most of you guys know I left J in May. I also left behind his family. For awhile Ally was able to go visit them and her sister. Now, J has left state to do whatever it is he is doing and Ally is no longer able to see her sister due to their financial situation and my inability to drive long distances let alone leave my daughter for the weekend alone. We both had our faults throughout the marriage. My biggest problem was that I wanted to please him and somewhere between when I first moved in until now I lost myself. I never really had the chance to discover myself because I went from High School graduate to mom. I don't regret it for a minute.
I grew up skinny and one summer I packed on a lot of weight. Enough to be diagnosed as obese when I was in 5th grade. That's kind of where the downhill spiral started. I was called names, treated differently, and all around made out to be horrid because I was bigger. I acted out and went to extreme measures to lose the weight.
After Ally I went into sever postpartum because I wasn't really allowed to hold her the first six weeks. I will always be grateful to my mother for helping me those six weeks. I didn't really try to lose weight then. I just cut back on what I was eating and worked. I was also happy then.
Food is something I have always struggled with. As a mother I feel safer going to food rather than alcohol. I have started smoking again which I know I shouldn't and I know it could deter my weight loss but I also know my limits and that I won't do it anywhere near my daughter. I know that it does contribute to weight gain. I also know that there is no miracle lifestyle change or diet that will cause all of the weight to magically melt off. I go through extremes; I'm going to lose no matter what or I already gained this week so I'll eat everything in sight.
My whole life has been nothing but extremes but I have working really hard to change that for Ally. We don't talk about her father unless he calls first because she is already in a lot of pain over not seeing him. Thankfully she doesn't ask about her sister.
Exercise also comes in waves. I'm either on top of it or failing miserably. The hardest part of self-love is understanding that it's okay to want to change but don't expect overnight results. Understand that it takes time. I am beginning to learn that myself. I am also learning what core values I want my daughter to have and where I want her to be. I have to lead by example and not let the liars, manipulators, and hypocrites get to me. I have to hold my head high and show Ally that it's okay to stand up. I keep quiet so often because I don't like upsetting people but sometimes you just need to scream and be reminded that it's okay.
Well, this momma has worked a very long night and is looking forward to catching a few hours before Ally and I begin our day. Many blessings everyone and hopefully running on around four hours sleep this post makes some kind of sense.