Monday, September 14, 2015

The Next Step

I realized something more than ever tonight. It has been weighing heavy and I owe a lot of apologies. I have been trying my hardest to accept this situation and find my own happiness. In many ways I have but every time my ex tries to rope me back into the past, I am quick to follow him back into the fire. That chapter of my life is over. He will never end his relationship with the other woman and we were texting tonight and it hit me. He is just as broken and hurt as I am. I know I have done some hurtful things and I have said things to him. I ruined my marriage the day he stopped going to school and I freaked out because I didn't think we could stay afloat in the apartment but as I told him, it's all apart of growing up. No, I won't share our texts tonight but I will say it shredded me and affirmed that our marriage will indeed be over. I have always tried to support him in whatever endeavor he had. Even when I caught him in bed with her and she claimed we were divorced, I still stayed. I always came back no matter who started the fight all because I believed we could make it. Most things I can let go of and heal but some things will always leave a small scar. To others I seem like this desperate person who can't get over what's done is done. But you do understand the damage that was caused? No, you don't know the full story or the pain that was there. It was a rough place for both of us and I should have the left the minute he went to another woman for comfort. September places a core focus on Self-Love and as I navigate towards my new year, I have to reflect on how the last year was and how I plan to step into the next stage of my life.

I have spent so much talking the talking but not walking the walking. Around Ally I play as this strong mom when she gets upset because she wants her Daddy. Today, she broke me though and we both cried for awhile and it awakened something within me. Ally keeps asking about him because I don't say anything to her and I don't talk about him to anyone in front of her. I leave at he's working really hard and nothing else. I am going to get back into working on being a better me for her instead of stressing about what is going on with my ex and his family. I will always be thankful for them but I also have to make it here. If for some reason things didn't work out here I would end up losing my daughter to his s/o and being homeless because I am not welcomed back into their home to live. So I have to find my inner strength and be strong because according to his s/o "Me and everyone else can't wait for this damn divorce to finalize so we can be done and over with this bullshit." So I am just going to reset my mind and no longer mention his family, him, or his s/o anymore. This blog is about falling into a positive lifestyle not backtracking into the one that had many great memories but also some dark times. People say things out of anger but it is those things that stick in our minds the most and sometimes plant the seeds of poison. So from now this blog will return to it's original focus. I am not communicating with my ex any longer. I will always care for his family because they helped Ally and I for the longest. I found a friend in MIL and while I feel like I have lost her due to all the drama, lies, bullshit, and immaturity I will still treasure the memories and lessons she taught me throughout the last nine years.

This is truly a new beginning for my sweet daughter and I. I plan to treasure every moment of it and to stop letting myself step backwards. I am thankful for everyone that has helped to mold or shape my life in some way but it's time I start walking the walking. For those I have hurt with my words, I deeply apologize. It's time to move on and to rediscover who I really am and what I really want out of my life. Thank you to everyone for continuing to support me with your kind words of encouragement. I am strong enough to do this and to be the mother and father my daughter needs. So for now, Blessed Be.

2 comments:

  1. You havent lost me as a friend. I will always be here to chat, talk, that hasnt changed girl. I care about you and Ally a great deal. Yes, I wish the divorce was over with so you, Ally, Jr, Kris could move on and start new. You deserve to be happy. Ally deserves to be happy and I am sorry that things turned out the way they did. But I am still here as a friend. I check in on your blog a lot because I care and want to know what is going on with you and her. I do CARE. hugs

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  2. I don't think anyone would ever blame you for trying to make things work with your ex again. He is your child's father and who wouldn't want to try everything they could to give their children a home with both parents, so don't worry about that. And I think having a cry with Ally is probably a good thing, it might comfort her to know she isn't alone in her hurting and to show that even though you both are hurting things are going to work out.
    Just do what you can do, one day at a time. :)

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Encouraging Comments Are Always Welcomed. :)