Self-Love: regard for one's own well-being and happiness
It's such a simple question but it also can be a loaded question. Why do we struggle to love ourselves? With so many forces that can work against us like depression, eating disorders, grief, love, loss, anxiety, etc. The list goes on and on. It can be so overwhelming to find beauty in your life and see your true value. Self- Love is defined as regard for one's own well-being and happiness. I have been trying to dive headfirst determined to be happy with myself no matter what. I didn't take time to truly understand that it is a baby step process. I have moments where the grief strikes harder than ever but I also realize through this that I have found strength. My daughter who is only three shows me that there is beauty in life if only we open our eyes and truly appreciate it.
I wasn't the smallest thing around but I wasn't overweight either. I struggled with my image and became a person that I wasn't proud of at all. I have been trying to dig deep and determine if I truly loved my ex husband or if I loved the idea of him? When you lose everything you ever hoped for you are forced to reevaluate whether or not the validity of the experience. I keep telling myself I don't want to know how he is or how my step-daughter is. Truthfully? It is crushing me not being apart of her life and not knowing that he is safe. But also, I realized something else.
I have to let go for good. I need to stop reading his s/o's blog because it just hurts to see the happiness between them and the love that they share. It is all I wanted and I read posts about how I made him miserable and how she was who he wanted all along. It all feels very High School but at the same very adult. I made the adult decision to move in right after High School. I made the decision to give my everything to someone. I screwed up a lot but I always did what I thought was right. I have been refusing to acknowledge the grief I have been feeling. I've been devoting myself to Ally and my job. I have been scared to step up and say I am getting divorced.
I pretend that I have this under control and that I'm okay. I smile at work and I keep myself whole. I have developed severe insomnia and I can't sleep. Ally will asleep and in bed and that's when I am swarmed with the flood. The grief strikes. THe fact that soon I will be ending everything with someone I thought I loved. I really think I love more the idea of him than the man he became. I cry so much lately that you would think I wouldn't be able to.
I want to cling to my mom and admit how hard this is but I am tired of feeling weak. I want to love myself so much but I feel like such a failure. I let my family down, my husband. To love yourself you have to accept the things that have happened and move forward. It is a long road to recovery but the first step is admitting that you have a problem.
I know that my future is waiting for me. I know that love exists but it is still a painful road there. Someday I will wake up and be on my own. I will feel whole. Repaired. Moving on. For now? I just need time to grieve. To cry in private. To know I can move on.