Saturday, October 24, 2015

Deep Thoughts

Many things happened today and it's been weighing heavy on my heart and my mind. Ally came home early from her father's because she wanted to go home. She kept telling him how her stomach hurt and she needed mommy. Let me note that when Ally gets tired or cranky she pulls the I want mommy card or I need to go home. After she's had some sleep she's perfectly fine. She does this at my mom's all the time. Well she pulled this card and came home this morning. After she slept the majority of the way here she was just fine when she came home.

My first instinct was to be upset and now that I've had time to think about it and reflect I really don't like the person I've been in the last few months. I've spent a lot of time being bitter, resentful, and hurt. I've been angry and I've said things that weren't the best. I've hurt a lot of people and this is where I am in my thoughts.

I love my husband. More than life itself. We married young and I wish I would've taken things slower. I've been angry at his current s/o because I feel left in the dust. There will always be that part of me that needs him. I need him to know I love him and I do respect him. More than I have let on. He's been in a dark place and it always worries what will happen in the future because of that. I've been so focused on his flaws that I haven't appreciated his strengths. I worry with all the negativity I will wake up one day and find my husband gone permanently.

He loves hard. He loves whole heartedly. He is very hard skinned. Around the rough exterior lies a kind heart. One that may not show emotion often but when does, it's raw and pure. He is a incredible person all in his own. I've spent so much time with a bitter heart that I haven't taken time to reflect on the good.

The instant security I feel in arms even from a simply hug. When calls to open up because he doesn't know where or who else to turn to. When he gets quiet, it says a million things. His current s/o has been acting like she's the only that believes him.

That is a lie though. I have supported all of his hopes and dreams. Believed every word even if later it was false. He is my first love. The father of my daughter. He will always hold a special place in my heart and I know that even though it is toxic at times, I'd go back and be with him in a heartbeat.

I guess I am just scared for him right now. He is lost in his own head scrambling for a solution not easily found. He is so worried that time has passed him and he's missed his window. What he doesn't realize is that there is still time to start fresh. To choose his future and make a plan.

Honey, you truly have a lot of potential and the future is wide open. We have had some of the best times together. Please stay strong and don't give up. Yeah, the past has been rocky and you've had your shares of ugly moments but the beautiful thing about you is that you always pick yourself back up and move forward. Regardless what the past has dealt, you haven't stopped fighting.

There is something about this time of year that always makes me feel like I'm drowning in my own thoughts. I feel like I reflect constantly. I cry a lot. I think a lot. I just sink. As much as I want to be okay and be strong, I really am weak these days. I have also decided to withdraw myself and keep to myself. I won't be communicating as much and will be limiting myself to my blog mostly. I think alone is the best path for the moment because being around people is draining especially when you think you can trust them only to find out they are leaking your secrets and cannot be trusted.

I feel drained, lost, and just overwhelmed. I know this is temporary but the ache in my chest says its time to step back and be on the sidelines. The future is what it is and it's time for me to start watching my back and keeping space where necessary.  Whatever happens, I know there is some peace within.

3 comments:

  1. Stay strong. Things will smooth out soon. Take care of YOU.

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  2. Do what you have to do girl for you !!!! I am always here for you though. You are doing shadow work and looking deep at yourself and at times that is never easy. (((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))) And I think at times we have all been guilty of only looking at the negative.

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  3. I think you should definitely time to yourself. You have dealt with a lot lately and you are not just going to work through those things over night. Take care of yourself!! xx

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Encouraging Comments Are Always Welcomed. :)