Sunday, October 11, 2015

In Awe

There has been a lot that has happened in the last few days. I am not going to put anyone's business on blast because I am not that type of person. I have felt overwhelmed between drama with my ex, my reactions to that drama, financial burdens, and family drama. I have felt drained that I have only been online long enough to check in on my favorite reads. I have needed time to burn some incense and meditate on my life. I got off work a half ago and immediate came home to burn my incense and just try to make sense of things. I will say that I have found a lot of growth within myself because I no longer feel anger or resentment. Yes I was upset with my ex because I thought that my daughter wouldn't be with me and I have a bad habit of assuming the worst and going into freak out mode. I haven't even had the energy to keep up with my Tarot challenge so I am catching up on the last few days tonight while I still feel motivated.

Something was posted that really stuck with me and I guess that's what has my mind into overdrive right now. When did we as a society become so resentful? I have had a few miscarriages and it almost destroyed my marriage early on. My ex was still incredibly raw over almost losing Ally and I. I went back to work before I was fully healed but we were getting better. We were in our own place and life was moving forward. He was visiting his bestfriend in Bowie and I lost the baby at work. I remember the miscarriage like it was yesterday because out of the miscarriages we had this was the worst. I held the fetus in my hands. It was horrible. I thought it was just my period going into overdrive. I called him and I couldn't even talk. I couldn't even leave the restroom at work. I was just sobbing and he kept telling me to go back to our house and wait for him. He was rushing to take me to the ER. We knew we were incredibly lucky to have Ally but we had both hoped for one more. After the third miscarriage we both just stopped trying because it hurt both and we chose to treasure Allisun instead.


I have been on path towards positivity and for the most part I have done an awesome job at it. My life has been a 360 turnaround since I left in May. I look at the broken woman and the woman I am now. I am completely different and way happier. I have made close friends at work, I am up for the promotion, I am a better mom and life just feels so much better. I feel better. I finally feel happier and on the right track. Does this mean I'm perfect? No but I am learning to appreciate the simple things like alone time at 3 am and a cup of coffee. I am learning that sometimes life will throw you a curve ball and it's all about how you handle it. You have to remain focused and for me this ties into my spiritual beliefs. I've decided to dedicate a separate post to this though because I am finally realizing what my personal beliefs are and what this means for me and for raising Ally. Did I imagine I would be a single mom at 22? Not at all but I have made the best of it and done everything in my power to show not only myself but also my family that I can do this.

My parents have always struggled when I came home because it has happened often. I come back home after leaving my ex then in a few months I believe him about wanting his family. This always leads to a disconnect with my family and it hurts in the long run. My sister has recently moved out of my mom's house, this left her with an empty room. She has made that into Ally's room. My mom painted it pink and has added her toys into it and made it her space when she's visiting her. Seeing how happy my mom is to do for Ally that she couldn't afford to do for my sister and I really warmed my heart up. I have opened my eyes to who I want to be not only for myself but also Ally. I am going to be revamping this blog so to speak and leaving out any and all negativity. This is a place of love. Where I not only talk about my journey but connect with my followers on their journey. So please stay awhile and see what changes will come. I've been in a dark and bitter place now join me as I transition into a place of peace and happiness. I am also trying again to mend my relationship with K and hopefully will get some time in with my step-daughter soon. Look for many posts to read and catch up on today.

Bright Blessings!

5 comments:

  1. I'm glad that we are talking on good terms and trying to mend things again. Can't wait to see your revamped blog.

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  2. I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriages. :( You have had so much hurt in your life and you are only 22! You deserve some more happiness. I love how the blog is looking!

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  3. I am so proud of you, you've come a long ways. That is great that your mom made Ally her own room when she visits them. I bet she loves it. I cant wait to read future post and love the new look of the blog. HUGS

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  4. I'm glad you are seeing the positive side of things. May your journey be blessed daily.

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Encouraging Comments Are Always Welcomed. :)