Friday, October 23, 2015

In My Head

It's always mixed feelings when Ally goes to spend time with her father. I am happy because I know she has missed him terribly. I know that she needs time with her father but it makes it really hard on me because I am used to being with her 24/7 and she keeps the monsters away. Imagine that a three year old that worries about monsters keeps mine at bay. So many things have come to light and I am struggling. The depression seems to always hit at the worst times and I truly don't have close friends to talk to any of this about. I am trying so hard to move on but how can you do that when they come in and out of your life?

How are you supposed to be a confident, happy person when two people you loved have left you for each other? It's more soul crushing than when his s/o came into the picture because I didn't care for his s/o in that way. But I love this woman. She has such a beautiful soul and when I met her, I fell for her and I fell hard but she left. So I moved on with my ex. And for the longest I thought we were happy. Well, it turns out everything I believed and came to treasure was an absolute lie. I also found out the truth about what happened while my ex was out of state for that month. My head is spinning because I am trying so hard to get along with everyone but it's draining me.

I can't even sleep because Ally isn't here. That may seem selfish but when you get used to having your daughter with you all the time and you mentally prepare, the first day is always the worst. I can't even function. One minute I'm dead asleep, the next I'm wide awake. I keep telling myself I've come too far to back track but tonight I am left raw. I don't know any way to express it.

I made it 22 days without soda and I caved last night. I had all of a sip and it disgusted me. I am used to tea and water so yes I had soda but yes it was nasty as hell. Too sweet and made me feel more sick than I already did.

I have been handling everything pretty well for the most part but last night at work set me back a bit. I had to leave work an hour and a half early because my anxiety spiked to an extreme. I am trying so hard to keep myself under control so I don't risk my promotion. It was a very frustrating night and I am still winded from it. I really think this is just a build-up night and it's all hitting a breaking point.

On the plus side, my sweet princess talked to me and seemed like she was having a blast tonight. Sunday can't be here soon enough but I know she needed time with her father.I just need to breathe through this. Leave all of my baggage on this post and start fresh tomorrow. It's just a build up day.

4 comments:

  1. I understand things are hard for you. Certain things you have to take with a grain of salt. I may not be the ideal person to talk to, but I am here. I do understand the things that you are going through. If nothing else I am here for you to just vent to. Just because I am with J doesn't mean that I am not here for you.

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  2. Sweetie you are going to have bad days every now and then but you are a strong woman, you've come a long ways. Hugs

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  3. I feel so terrible for you! Just take things minute by minute if you have to and keep telling yourself she needs this time with her Dad. But I know I would hate to give up a second of time with my kids so I know I would be feeling the exact same way as you are right now. Hugs!!

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  4. I'm sorry that you have to go through this. You are just raw for what feels like an eternity. I wish it could be easier. What I can tell you is don't fall back into old traps just because you want to believe in something that really can't ever be again. Be brave; it won't last forever.

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Encouraging Comments Are Always Welcomed. :)