Thursday, November 19, 2015

The Lonely Hours

It's been almost two weeks since I've been alone at two in the morning. I have grown so used to him that this is a strange feeling. I realize tonight more than ever why I keep myself out so late. Why I draw out the hours and the emotion. Why I cling so hard. I have so many demons inside and the comfort of his arms keeps me safe. It puts those demons to rest. It is in these moments of insomnia that I realize how everything happens for a reason.

I am learning so much through this relationship. I am learning the values of communication, privacy, and treasuring every moment as if it were my last. I inhale every breath and while I want to tell the world how amazing he is, I am learning to value our moments together and to hold on.

In watching two women fight like petty children over my ex, I realize just how done I am with the situation. How I used to be one of the women. Since when did posting about being sexually ready or about receiving a ring from a married man become the norm? What happened to self-respect? Is a man being with two women while married the new trend? Is that really what I fought so long for?

When did I begin to care so little for myself that I allowed this behavior to drag on for three years? after all of this drama what did I gain? Well, I gained a dark pit. I gained loneliness. I gained longing. I gained false hope.

Six months ago, I left all of that behind and gained hope. I gained self-respect. I found myself in the darkest of times and while I sometimes sink back into that place but lucky for this gal, I've been given a second chance.

No, nothing is perfect or set in stone but what I feel in my heart is set in stone. That feeling won't go away. I am so overwhelmed and scared. I have never felt this strongly about anyone. I feel it with every fiber of my being and it's terrifying and wonderful.

I don't do well with vulnerability. I get scared and I run. It's my biggest defense mechanism. The difference with him though is that I don't want to run. I want to stay and be there for every moment regardless of what the future holds. I want to treasure him. To breathe in every moment.

My recent health news and scare has me treasuring everything. The next few weeks will clarify everything but it won't change this renewed feeling. i feel alive and like for the first time in a long there is hope. There is hope for a future than can be so much more than my past.

For the first time, I don't feel scared for someone to know my past. To know my demons. I don't feel fear of judgement. I don't worry that I will be left. I'm not scared to be vulnerable. For the first time, I want someone to know everything. The good, the bad. What shaped me into who I am today.

I don't know what has set into so many tears tonight. I guess it's the weight of fully letting go. I don't fear being alone anymore. I don't fear what will happen if I do end up alone. I am learning to be in the moment. To believe that I have found love and that it will last. There is a strange relief in knowing that I finally feel okay. I finally feel like everything that has happened all lead up to this moment.

I no longer linger by the phone waiting for my ex to want his family. I no longer hold onto my marriage and pretend that any of it mattered. I am fully sated by the fact that my marriage is indeed over and I have found someone that values me. Someone that cares about my thoughts, feelings, actions.

In that I have learned that I am better at listening and that relationships go both ways. There will be rocky patches but as long as we hold onto each other, we can survive any storm. I am a survivor and I have so much more to live for. Just because I may have a long road ahead of me doesn't mean I will walk it alone.