Friday, December 4, 2015

Destroying Yourself From Within

So this is gonna be a lengthy post (When aren't they?). Latest drama update. K has moved out and accepted that her relationship with my husband is indeed over. B (the new/not new girl) has been with J since July. Apparently they've been talking on and off my whole marriage and never thought it'd come to them being together (Don't they all say that). She has went to a doctor and is 6-8 weeks along. In case you haven't kept up let me be the announcer for the drama, lies, and secrecy that is my life. K came in and wrecked my marriage along with my husband almost four years ago. We hit a rough patch, he ran home, straight between her legs. Go figure. I came home to fix things last July only to find K pregnant. Apparently my husband knew for a long time and still brought his wife and child back home telling K that is was because he was scared I was going to file child support. Like my husband has ever been scared. Anyways, moving right along. So then I have to act like an unmarried woman while K sleeps with my husband in my home disrespecting myself and my daughter. Old news though. Let's keep it moving says the announcer. Can there be anymore sarcasm? I don't know, let's see. Now we bring B into the picture. So I met her when I was pregnant with Ally. She knew that I was PREGNANT because it showed and we met at a PREGNANCY class. She also knew that I was engaged soon to be wed to my husband. So she moves back home and has her own course of events that have happened. Now we move onto July 2015. She is back. Who does she call? Well my husband of course. And now they are together but oh no! This wasn't supposed to happen. Just like the months of unprotected sex wasn't supposed to happen. Now she's pregnant. Shocker!

Meanwhile, I've been struggling as a single mother. Yes, I've had tons of help with Ally but it is extremely hard to be a parent, work full-time, and find time for yourself. Which really doesn't exist when you have a child. I have a problem. Yes, I've had it for awhile but it took me trying to be in a relationship outside of my marriage to see that. I am severely depressed. You want some honesty? Honesty would be it's a huge struggle to get out bed before work, it's a huge struggle to do things with Ally even though I love our time together. It's a huge struggle to exist. I am seeking help but it took this and a conversation at work to see how downhill I've spiraled. 

I can't even see the point of normalcy anymore. I try so hard to pretend things are okay and move forward. I can't keep myself afloat anymore because my ship is sinking. The support from blogging friends, family, and friends at work is amazing. But these days I feel like the only time I feel happy is when Ally is with me. 

Did I quit blogging? No, I just can't seem to wrap my head around anything lately. My weight loss hasn't been happening, I'm slowly reviewing, Cross stitching feels like too much energy. I hate this. I hate this so much because it is so painful to be at this point.

But you know what? I am pissed at both B and K. Both of you even though my husband did damaged never
once did either of you say no this isn't right. Even after you were told that he was MARRIED with a CHILD. Now both of you get to face Karma and see what a bitch it can be. Those nights when all you want to do is curl up and cry because the picture in your head is shattered.

Yes I am bitter because this is what my future was supposed to be. Marriage, family, and the future. I know that there is hope for the future but that doesn't fix the now. That doesn't fix the emptiness I feel every day. How alone I've been and how much I have to force myself to be positive because I have an innocent little girl mixed into this.

No, I am not bashing my husband because I truly believe he is lost within his head. He needs to find himself and spend some time in his own company before continuing this vicious cycle. Now there are three innocent children involved all with the same father. If he could just find what he wants out of life, he'd be much happier in his own company. He can and will find himself. Just needs time.

So yes I am struggling and I don't know how to put this ball of pressure into words So for now I am going to shut myself out. Not going to make extra effort anymore. I am just going to exist and be there for my daughter. That's all I can do at this point. I can't keep pushing myself harder than that what I can handle because it's only setting me up for failure.

1 comment:

  1. Sending you lots of love and hugs!!! Don't feel bad for the way you are feeling, I am sure we would all feel the same if we had been through what you are going through. xo And I also believe that karma will always do the dirty work for me :)

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