Friday, December 18, 2015

Grief

How long does grieving take? How can you have such an amazing time with family but once you are alone the thoughts come flooding back? Kristina and I got into it and she really made some stabs. This has put me in a dark place. I was called horrific names and it really broke my heart because I am not the monster that I am believed to be. I am just heart broken and hurt. I don't know how to deal with all of these feelings. I don't know how to cope with all of the changes. Everything that is happening right now wasn't apart of the plan. I wanted another child. I wanted my family. Now I am seen as this monster who can't move on. Well, it hurts a lot. I don't know how to function or cope. I just know I hurt a lot. I hurt so much and I cry a lot. I am a strong mom but once she's in bed I fall apart. I can't handle of this. I keep thinking about the future but honestly without Joey. It feels empty and hopeless. I am hoping to find normalcy but it's hard. So instead of judging me let me grieve. Let me scream. Let me cry. I can't tell you how long it will take for me to feel okay and happy so let me do it in my own. B, you have your family going for you and K you have your delusional fantasies. So leave me to grieve.

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