Saturday, January 16, 2016

Recovery

Tonight I acted out. I was furious I'll admit and not for the reasons that are being told. I was furious because this is Ally's weekend. No, I cannot control who is around my daughter but I believed that her best interests were at heart all the way around. I have been bitter because this woman has no stated value. No, I don't believe she is anything derogatory but I do believe that the lies that she and J have been going about or the lack of truth is what is upsetting me. I am 100% okay with my marriage being over. Why would I pine over someone that has cheated and impregnated 2 women in the span of a four year marriage? I don't want any part of that. I am getting my life together for Allisun and showing her that a man is not necessary. I have already made my decisions regarding the future and I am not publicizing them for any reason. Maybe I am just raised differently but I would never allow my child to bring multiple men/women through our house just because they bore of one especially if children were involved. My child would understand that no matter their age there is still a need for respect to the child. Not confusing them with multiple partners or having Daddy go to bed with another women regardless if they don't do anything. But I am realizing that I cannot control what happens on Daddy's weekend. All I can do is be open to any questions she'll have when she gets older and show her through my actions that I am the bigger person. I was not tonight and let emotions fuel me instead of thought.


I am going to just have to swallow my fears and hope for the best. I cannot continue to fret when she is with her father. I have to trust that co-parenting will remain and that all parties involved just want her happiness and love first and foremost. I also let exhaustion fuel me. I have been working non-stop to get everything in motion for my promotion, our future, and everything else that is coming to us. I have been tirelessly pulling 15 and 16 hour shifts to get the ball rolling. I am determined to make everything settled before Ally's birthday. The other thing that will be a first this year is that Ally's birthday will be split. I will be hosting my own party on my weekend and allowing my ex to do what he wants on his weekend. I am doing this because of financial situations. I wouldn't be able to find something for Ally that is within half-way distance so I figured it easier for everyone if we did our own parties and celebrations. I am also doing this because not only do I need to adjust to the separation but so does Ally. She needs to understand that Mommy and Daddy won't be together anymore period. She also needs to get into the routine of how Mommy runs her house and how Daddy runs his house.



Today was a not so good day. I don't cope with Ally being gone well at all. I tend to become a nervous wreck when she leaves for her weekend with her father that plus a 15 hour shift tonight going on 2 hours of sleep. Yeah, I flew off the handle. Everything I do revolves around her. My days off are dedicated to her and the only time I ever make plans is if she is asleep for the night otherwise she is included in my plans. I don't go out on dates or do anything extravagant. Nine times out of ten she is along for the ride. She is my best friend and daughter. If I act batshit psycho it's because I worry for her. For those I offended or upset tonight, I am sorry but please look at the situation from my side. I am going to stop though. Once she is with her father I will worry always but I will not interfere. I will just check-in on her and pray that she always comes home safe, healthy, and happy. This is all I want for my beautiful little girl. She has gone through so much and with having divorced parents she has a lot more to endure in the future. I will always support her and I know that everyday is a struggle for me. I am trying to combat my depression naturally and I am trying to keep my fingers busy. Sometimes I see things that make me snap. Seeing you in the car today when it is supposed to be her weekend upsets me. But I am going to be better about taking a calming breath and leaving what happens with Daddy indeed with Daddy.

2 comments:

  1. I know I worry about my boys every time they leave. I couldn't imagine how I would feel if I couldn't control who they were around. Hugs to you!!

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