Saturday, January 16, 2016
I am going to just have to swallow my fears and hope for the best. I cannot continue to fret when she is with her father. I have to trust that co-parenting will remain and that all parties involved just want her happiness and love first and foremost. I also let exhaustion fuel me. I have been working non-stop to get everything in motion for my promotion, our future, and everything else that is coming to us. I have been tirelessly pulling 15 and 16 hour shifts to get the ball rolling. I am determined to make everything settled before Ally's birthday. The other thing that will be a first this year is that Ally's birthday will be split. I will be hosting my own party on my weekend and allowing my ex to do what he wants on his weekend. I am doing this because of financial situations. I wouldn't be able to find something for Ally that is within half-way distance so I figured it easier for everyone if we did our own parties and celebrations. I am also doing this because not only do I need to adjust to the separation but so does Ally. She needs to understand that Mommy and Daddy won't be together anymore period. She also needs to get into the routine of how Mommy runs her house and how Daddy runs his house.
Today was a not so good day. I don't cope with Ally being gone well at all. I tend to become a nervous wreck when she leaves for her weekend with her father that plus a 15 hour shift tonight going on 2 hours of sleep. Yeah, I flew off the handle. Everything I do revolves around her. My days off are dedicated to her and the only time I ever make plans is if she is asleep for the night otherwise she is included in my plans. I don't go out on dates or do anything extravagant. Nine times out of ten she is along for the ride. She is my best friend and daughter. If I act batshit psycho it's because I worry for her. For those I offended or upset tonight, I am sorry but please look at the situation from my side. I am going to stop though. Once she is with her father I will worry always but I will not interfere. I will just check-in on her and pray that she always comes home safe, healthy, and happy. This is all I want for my beautiful little girl. She has gone through so much and with having divorced parents she has a lot more to endure in the future. I will always support her and I know that everyday is a struggle for me. I am trying to combat my depression naturally and I am trying to keep my fingers busy. Sometimes I see things that make me snap. Seeing you in the car today when it is supposed to be her weekend upsets me. But I am going to be better about taking a calming breath and leaving what happens with Daddy indeed with Daddy.