Saturday, May 14, 2016

Heart Broken

Before I start what is sure to be a long winded post I will say that I don't know both sides of the story. I will also say this is my reflections just based on the actions of others. If there are any issues please free to comment or text me. Thank you.

Just like any man Joey has his faults. He hasn't always been the man he is needed to be but since he decided to stop being that person and embrace his true self I've watched him blossom into a beautiful human being.

We've had our bumps over the last year but things have gotten way better. Tonight my worst fears are surfacing. He's losing himself and falling back into his dark past.

A place he fought tirelessly to escape so long ago. My heart is shattering as there is nothing I can do.

Emotional abuse goes both ways. The name calling, hitting, doubting. All of it adds up. I know because I went through it and now I'm watching as he's going through it.

He's trying So hard to keep himself together for the sake of the children involved but he is only human. Eventually he'll snap. And I fear that is Tonight.

Mind you this all stems because he was in the area today and stopped by for lunch and friendship. He wanted to be where it didn't feel like a burden or hassle. He wanted to be where he was wanted.

Not with someone who is fueled by lies because they themselves cannot remove the rose colored glasses. Its been over for awhile and you've fought hard to believe that it was meant to be.

If it were truly meant to be it wouldn't have stemmed from an affair. Am I trying to get back with him?

No, I've made it a year on my own two feet. But I do Have history. 10 years worth. He is my first love and I will be always be there for him.

I know many find my situation odd and Thats there opinion. Trauma can take years to heal. I am still healing from my past.

It is killing me to watch my best friend and first love sink back into a place that took him so long to escape. There are so many demons buried and in one evening you've managed to reopen those wounds.

My anxiety is spiking and I want to do is save him. I want to bring him and my baby home and away from such a toxic place. He's so far gone right now he doesn't even feel safe to drive.

Is that what true love does? Is love really just two people slowly eating at each other until there is nothing left to give? When is enough, enough?

I know he's had his moments and he hasn't always stepped up but he's made tremendous strides and while yes it is his fault, it is also all other parties involved. He's 25 with 4 children, 2 of which haven't arrived. Do you not see the stress?

Im so Damn sorry that he spent all of 30 minutes here for a decent meal with decent company. I tried to coparent with her but she was so hell bent on me trying to take someone that was never hers.

Brittany and I are choosing happiness. We've both made plans for the future and we always put the children first. At times I see where it is an odd situation but I have always tried to be there for everyone. Why is this such a hard concept?

Why is it so easy to forget I was the one that watched your children from two weeks after she was born until I left in May. That's 5 months of her life that I helped while you focused on your relationship with him.

I guess I'm like Winnie The Pooh tonight and spending my time in my thoughtful place. Better than wallowing in my swamp playing victim.

I've made peace with my past and accepted it for what is. I've moved forward and began healing. When do you break free and let bygones be bygones?

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