I've never been good at talking in person. It always comes out wrong and then I feel worse than I started feeling. My blog has been my biggest aide against my depression. I use this to vent and if I receive comments or support it is always appreciated.
This is my first night away from them since Friday. It is a much needed break. My mind has been racing and I've hardly slept. Now I'm forced to stay up all night without rest.
I've always felt the need to help others. Over the last year I've worked tirelessly to move on from Joey. I've worked hard to harden my heart and decide I don't love him any longer. The only time I truly felt in control was when he abandoned us and ran to Arkansas.
But now his relationship is around me. I see the love he has for Brit everyday. Whether its breakfast or them relaxing and playing on the game.
Its also in the simple things such as preference and her being allowed to do things I was never allowed to do.
I try to be the bigger person but instead of speaking up I let it turn into me lashing out. I have snapped, slammed doors, making horrible stabs. I don't mean to but its the only way I feel like I'm getting even.
I know being the bigger person means looking the other way but how are you supposed to do that when it is in your face constantly?
The large part of me wants to kick them to the curb but I love them both in very different ways and while in the moment I can tell them to get gone, I always feel horrible.
I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm risking everything with my family and throwing my routine off.
My faults are constantly being thrown in my face and there is zero support or encouragement.
I want to cry and scream because the pressure in my chest is beyond severe. I can't do this anymore. Its slowly killing me and I'm starting to see where others are right.
What does this mean going forward?
I have no clue. I just know I hurt and I want to be held. I don't have that luxury anymore though. I get watch someone else enjoy that now.
So now I just stay silent and hope the pain subsides. I feel like a stranger in my own home. I don't see where I ever thought this would work. We are definitely not the people we were when we were younger. We all have changed.
Its damned if I do and damned if I don't.