Monday, July 25, 2016

Clarity


I feel like some people could really use clarity in this. After today it is clear that this doesn't exist for the most part in my home. I understand that my ex has moved on and for that I am happy but I am not happy to have to witness it in my house. I shouldn't have to.

I did it with Kris and it was an epic fail. It hurt beyond belief more so because we were still trying to salvage our marriage. I spent a year away from Kris and Brit both. Not having to acknowledge this situation. I was free to put it on the back burner and move forward. Especially when they moved States away. I didn't look back. I pushed forward for Ally. Even if my decisions are at times misguided every move has Allisun in mind.

The last week has felt like hell. I don't want to be home. I don't want to be anywhere near here. I feel torn because my body feels absolutely alone. I have this constant ache and last night was the first time I've made it into bed at a decentish time.


I understand to a degree where I am expected to be understanding but this is someone that I haven't grieved over. Instead I pushed those feelings aside. I forced myself forward. But watching the affection be more prominent has just made this ball of anger worse.

I have been pushing so hard to be me but I feel worn out constantly. I feel anger constant. I feel depression constantly. I feel sadness constantly. I feel upset constantly. I am just fed up and overall done with everything.

I want my house back. I want me back. I'm ready to move forward but at the same I feel pushed back. I don't really have an outlet except this blog. I feel so ready to have my house back.

While this is still my house there won't be the excess of affection allowed out of respect to me. Old lady or not. It is simply rude. Reverse the situation and you'll see exactly where I am coming from but this isn't done instead it is anger that lashes out because there isn't understanding. There is only greedy attitudes.

Jumping from the couch to rush by his side because I offered to sit next to him so she could sleep, All I can do is try to ease this ball of pressure.

It is amazing how I'm expected to let shit go and not let it fester but how do I just let this one slide?

Why can no-one see the pain I'm in?

I'm beyond ready for October at this point.

1 comment:

  1. I totally agree with you. You are nice enough to give them a place to live the least they can do is be respectful to your feelings.

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