I keep trying to put myself in the middle of a situation that has nothing to do with me. I keep letting certain things around this house bother me. I keep letting the nagging feeling that there are lies being told make me paranoid.
I feel like a ghost of myself lately. I don't know who I am.
This is a scary realization in itself because that my friends is the greatest loss. The loss of one's self. The struggle to make it to the next day. The struggle of waking up and feeling that crushing weight from chest pains so severe it puts you in tears just to breathe.
I hate sounding like I regret them being here because it isn't regret at all. It is the lack of respect towards what I might going through that really bothers me. It is always been lies until those are caught then its partial truths.
I have spoken aloud these concerns only to be made out to be a "bipolar bitch." So why bother anymore?
I am tired of all of my own self-doubt.
Before all of this happened I was beginning to find myself again. I was finding happiness. I was learning that I didn't need to put myself on the back burner but now it feels necessary.
The finances are crushing me as well. I don't understand how you can be so eager to help out others but not make sure you secure the roof over your head. I understand that others need your help as well but why does it seem like they are priority number one? If they take such great care of you then why did you ever bother to come here? Only to have them follow right behind. What the hell was the damn purpose?
I talked to my mother yesterday and I am almost always the most raw with her. With her I can text her a book of things she already knows but it still hurts that I am worrying her. She offered for me to come over and talk yesterday but I told her I didn't feel like crying. I just wanted to sleep and spend time with Ally until work. She told me that isn't fixing the problem and I am making it worse by putting myself into a deeper depression.
Honestly though this feels worse than depression. I feel my heart being crushed. Even when I think I've made a move to protect one party or the other and it only hurts worse. It is like these two constantly forgive each other for constantly fucking over one or the other and always end up back to bed with each other.
I guess this bothers me so much because if I screwed him over nearly as much as one or the other does, he'd cut me off. In fact he did. He quit talking to me for a year over high school stupidity.
Double standards have always been one of my biggest triggers. Something about there not being equality for everyone that angers me. The more I silence that anger, the greater it festers until it leads to me snapping.
I don't even want to be in my own home. It just angers and saddens me. This was supposed to be a fresh start for Allisun and I. Not us entering into our personal hell. A place where I am expected to just sit here and watch this shit happen in front of my face.
It is about helacious as trying to salvage my marriage through Kris's pregnancy. Trying to believe my marriage was still intact even though there was overwhelming proof that I was being lied to. Even though I knew before I came home that I shouldn't have.
I just want normalcy. Mornings with Ally. Yesterday morning was the most normal I've felt in a long time because Ally and I hid out in her room and watched cartoons. She curled against me and it was in that moment that she said she loved me and I was the best mommy she had that I knew I have to keep fighting.
I have to fight for normalcy. I have to fight to deal with this silently. This is exactly why this blog isn't going anywhere. I don't care about how MY feelings and MY thoughts piss off anyone. This is MY place to vent, brag, motivate. Whatever it is I need at the time. This is place where I can freely speak. Take all the damn screen shots you want because I am not backing down anymore.
I am so tired of everyone thinking it is okay to control me. To treat me like a child. To act like I am different just because I am overweight, not the prettiest, have attitude. This is me. I have allowed myself to change for someone else and that didn't get me very far so now I am resorting to what I know. I am going to find myself one way or another.
I am done holding back my feelings. I am done feeling like a prisoner in my own home.
I am going to start finding myself. I have a big heart. It is just who I am. I took David in because he lost his home. He lost his life due to drugs and needs a family, He's fighting his ass off to stay sober and avoid temptation. He isn't just some fucking "junkie." He is a real person struggling. He has the weight of the world on his shoulders at just 18 years old.
I am doing what I can to be there for everyone but it would kill anyone to once and awhile give two shits how the hell I am?
No I am expected to handle everything. Finances, securing the living situation while we go out and hand out money, securing groceries, getting Ally ready for school. I am tired of being told I just blow money. If I did that then rent wouldn't be paid right now and I'd be keeping my hair appointment tomorrow but nope, that's on hold...again.
I am tired of everyone pushing me around. Of the name calling. Other than my small snap at the pool I haven't said a damn thing to Kris or about her. I've left her be in her fantasy world.
I have offered this house so that Joey and Brit were able to get on their feet and get their family taken care of. It is a temporary fix until they have a permanent solution figured out. I don't care if this is together or separate as long as there is a plan in motion.
This is me. Don't like it? The quit following. I am done hiding for fear of offending someone else. I have this blog for me to track my thoughts and have people that would like to follow on my journey. In my life at home I am finding my silence. I keep saying this then don't stick to it but I promised myself I would as soon I got home today and I intend to make good on that promise.
Rent is paid, groceries will be bought later today. I've detailed cleaned the kitchen, living room, and bathroom. All that is left is the bedroom and that will be done hopefully later today. Now I've been up for almost twelve hours and I am exhausted. Here is hoping I can sleep peacefully for once.