I've spent more time than I should reflecting on my life. How old I am now and where I'm at in life. I've spent so much time refusing to grieve that now it's hitting worse than ever. I can't sleep, eating feels forced, the anger is beyond severe. I've picked up habits that aren't good for me at all. My weight loss has tanked.
I feel like everything has fallen apart all over again. I've been told to give it a few days for things to find normalcy but the facts are. I lost my best friend, I've lost my right as Damian's aunt, and my friendship with Joey is on the rocks.
I can't tell you the anger I felt when Ally preferred brit to do her nails than ask me.
I just want to be held and told it gets better. My parents tell me that there is a simple solution but they don't understand that I've tried. I've tried kicking them out. I've tried forcing a plan but No one listens to me.
I'm told to talk but words can't grasp this feeling. The depression is beyond severe and I do need help but the comfort I want can't be achieved.
I'm losing everything and it's happening so fast I don't know how to cope. I don't know how to be okay. I'm so scared to be alone but yet that's exactly what keeps happening.
I feel lost in my own skin. As if I'm looking at a shadow of myself. I constantly feel like I'm seeing these things happen in slow motion but at the same time nothing can stop it.
This is by the far the worst breakdown I've had to date. I dont want to be at home because then I have to watch as she gets it all.
The incredible weight loss. The man. The family. All of it rubbed in my face. I don't know how to let go.
How do you just forget four years? Ten altogether?
Then there's also Kris saying that she's still very much with Joey and God forbid I post anything on my blog because she rushes to blow up his phone and start shit.
The ache in my chest is beyond severe. I'm numb at this point and don't know where I'm heading anymore. I want happiness and love. I want to move forward but it hurts to face the reality of failure.
I keep lashing out because I don't know any other way to be. How can I calmly admit these feelings and how conflicting they are because at the same time I feel I also feel the need to move on. I want to be whole again.
Even if it has caused problems I've been incredibly grateful for this blog. It has been my outlet to speak freely and get myself out there.
As of now I'm not sure though if this blog is necessary anymore. I need my blog though in the same sense.
At this rate the only one holding me together is Ally. If I didn't have her I'm sure I'd be in a much darker place.
Time to bury these feels and prepare for a day of awkwardness. I can't bring myself to act like nothing happened. Everything has changed and I'm even more ready to be alone again.