They say acknowledging the truth is the hardest thing. Seeing a situation or person for what they are. We get so caught up in how we want and expect things to be that when reality is fractured is hurts beyond belief. We lose ourselves in the sweep of love. In the moment of need that everything changes. But at what point do we bring ourselves to face the reality of that decision?
I've deleted all the screen shots I had. I've deleted anything that could cause problems because I'm worn out. This shouldn't feel like a battle but it does. One I'm fighting everyday.
I'm so ready to move forward but I'm so nervous that Joey is right about me. That I am completely not worth loving because my moods do swing and my attitude does flip. I find myself pushing distance that may not be needed to be pushed. I find myself nervous because it has been so long.
It's incredibly hard to move forward when you dedicated such a long period of time to the wrong person. When you thought that you had found the right person but it was a fractured fairy tale.
It is so easy to lash out and be angry but at some point you have to channel your compassion. You have to realize that even if it boils anger and resentment, it isn't the other persons fault. Even if it is to a degree.
This whole three way mess has dragged me through so much shit and as I sit here thinking I realize the biggest thing missing from all of that is compassion.
I rush to be angry because I feel cheated. I feel like the feelings that the other two get were never given to me. Our time actually spent happy was cut incredibly short because of a misunderstanding.
You can't spend your time living in the what if and what could've been. You have to see outside of yourself and realize that happiness truly does come from within.
We spend so much time belitting ourselves because we aren't what society deems up. We want to be prettier so we wear make up and do ourselves up. We want to be skinnier so we diet and exercise. We want a more exciting life so we go on an adventure.
Instead of facing my situation head on I ran and didn't look back. The situation I'm in now boils down to my fault because I'm too nice and if the situation were reversed I'd want the same help and compassion.
I keep pushing for deadlines to be met and feelings to be acknowledged but who am I for not returning the same favor?
Of course I wanted my marriage to last. Of course I pictured more children and a happy life. I didn't imagine this mess that I'm in. I didn't imagine fighting everyday for survival. I didn't imagine falling so far down the rabbit hole that I've completely lost me.
This is my biggest struggle. I want someone to be there for me but that feels unachievable because I've lost who I am. Instead I'm this shroud of a lost soul. I Look in the mirror and I don't recognize myself.
I had allowed my Best friend to live with me and I've spent so time focused on anger towards her that I've lost that friendship. This is my own fault.
I want to fix things but at a certain point you have to realize that there is irreparable damage that cannot be fixed.
Where do we go from here?
Honestly I don't know. I do apologize but then I back track horrendously and it puts me back at square one. So now all I can do is find my silence and focus on the future for Ally.
Where everything else ends up is just a waiting game and most of that depends on me and how I act.