Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Late Night

It really sucks when the body is tired but the mind is awake. I've been laser focused on a peaceful house so I've kept most of my thoughts silent lately. I don't like the friction the fighting causes so I've kept to myself for the most part.

Little man seems to have hit a growth spurt so its been a long night with him but I'm happy to see him eating and getting where he needs to be. He's definitely showing that he's gained weight.

Tonight has left me thinking about my sweet princess. Ally has changed so much and grown. Today I will be registering for her school and it's bittersweet. She's my only baby and I'm not quite ready to part with her for hours at time. The occasional sleepovers bother me enough.

Joey took off yesterday to get some time in with Izzy and Kris. From what I was told it was a peaceful day for him and I know he's needed it.

Something that is bothering me is people assuming I have this hidden agenda. I can't be taken at face value and have true belief that I am trying to change. After the huge fight we had I let a lot of what Joey had to say sink in. Then i find out that Kris has very little faith. At this point it doesn't bother me because I know the effort I'm making to change and to better myself.

Me? Well I don't really know where my headspace is. I've backed off significantly where Joey and Damian are concerned. I help out very little and pretty much leave them to do what they will. I guess you could say I'm forcing myself to find a glimpse of happiness where I can but at night is when it hits the hardest.

The loneliness. The nightmares. The chest pains. I ache for hours and eventually cry myself to sleep. I have a hit a point where there is so much wrong that it's very hard to find the good. Could anyone see this from watching me?

No, that's the beauty of putting on a facade that everything is just fine. I've taken to stepping outside when I feel overwhelmed. Those few minutes of peace really make a difference for me. I truthfully just want to be at peace and each day that feels more and more obtainable.

Joey has left for work, Damian seems settled, and I think Brit is back to bed so here's to a little bit of solitude before picking up Ally and getting our day started.

2 comments:

  1. We all have to find peace where we can. So what if othets dont belueve your trying to change? Thevonly thing that matters is the fact you know this in time others will see it for themselves. Eventually your peace will grow longer it all just takes time sweetheart. And yes you may not be ready for this but look at what you both gain from her going to school- you much needed me time, her other children interaction. Look at the things you gain intead of thinking what you lose. Hugs

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  2. I felt the exact same way when Brayden started school but once you see how much fun she is having it will make it a lot easier. Hugs girlie!!

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