I am finding that my peace of mind has to be a priority or I'll drive myself insane. I am trying to mind my own business and keep to myself. Izzy is here for J and Ally to get time with her but I watch Ally continue to alienate herself and retreat to her bedroom. I know in large part this is because of me. Since they've arrived here I have kept myself in the bedroom.
My biggest problem is that in all of this Ally is the oldest and most aware child. She has put up a wall and that is heartbreaking to witness. My four year putting up a wall simply because she is trying to protect herself from getting hurt. Do I blame her?
Not in the least. I would guard myself too if my ability to see my sister was constantly in the air and it didn't matter how peaceful I tried to be, I still lost in the end. I'm glad I've met R because so far he seems to be exactly what I need. He balances me.
I called him last night upset because I keep having to bite my tongue and hold back. He stayed on the phone and talked me down from an anxiety attack.He had no clue that he was helping me. Even showed up in person because I needed him. It is still early in the relationship but in that moment I was given a glimpse of what I have been missing out on. What I had been trying to find in Joey.
I can't wait to see where this goes and I am glad that he is there for me. I know once we meet each other's children they are going to get along great. I know that there will be many playdates in the future. I can't wait to see where life is headed. All I know for now is I am going to protect Ally's heart at all costs.