I have been thinking a lot as things have been changing every day. Some days are pure perfection and other days my insecurities catch up to me. I have been struggling as I do every time I try to make the decision to buckle down on my blog. This is simply because I have found such a huge comfort with all of you blogging gals. You guys keep my head held high and help me to stay focused.
The hardest part of blogging is all of the haters. I have made such huge progress with remaining positive and while I do acknowledge that there are negative days I try to push past them. I have been blessed with having Joey here and Shane. We have been helping Shane find his mold here since coming home from Army. Joey has been such a huge help with Ally and helping keep her on track. Since starting school she has found an attitude and some days it makes you feel like you're failing as mom with how quick she is to snap at me.
We have of course stayed on top of it and told her that isn't how she'll be behaving. I know its all part of her growing up and finding who she is especially now that she is around children her age versus just here with adults. I also believe she has some inner struggle because we have raised her a specific way and now she's trying to find her inner kid so to speak.
I noticed that I am also finding my breaking point because I am tired of people that claim we have clean slates when we don't. I have tried to stretch my forgiveness as thin as possible. Some days the past catches up to me and the things I haven't fully accepted hit hard but I try to push past them.
I hit my snapping point a few days ago because it is like as soon as I try to make plans, here comes a million and one reasons why one or the other needs his undivided attention. I don't see why it is so hard to believe that Joey and I are truly just roommates. I hate that the car that is supposed to be used to help him get to work is constantly being used as leverage. This is why I just don't invite him out and of course I feel guilty as hell that he is stuck at home but I also understand that it isn't worth getting 10 minutes of movie and 2 hours of phone calls, texts, threats, and pure hatred and anger.
As far as forgiveness goes I think it will be a long time before I find that with Brit. I know I played my part in the whole of the situation but those last three days will remain a nightmare and one that I won't be able to let go and move forward on. I know eventually I need to forgive for my own piece of mind but I am just not there yet. I still have night terrors and get chest pains from that time but I have moved forward.
I feel like I can't fully be me but only partially me. I am learning to take pride in privacy because that seems to get me farther versus showcasing that true happiness. It has taken years to find my true happiness because I spent so much time playing victim and swimming in anger and resentment.
Now? I am focused on me. I am focused on the future wherever that leads. I am focused on fighting my depression everyday. I am trying to co-exist and find friendship for my daughter. She deserves to know her siblings and Joey will be a huge help ensuring that does happen.
I guess today I just feel lost so I think I'll put the kitchen to the side and get a nap in. I just need to find comfort in solitude.