Monday, September 26, 2016

No Words.

I am not a perfect person by any means. My life has changed drastically and things are never easily figured out. I have always tried to do what is right for Ally. This often means putting my own personal feelings to the side. I have told myself that I need to sever ties but I always regress and try to keep that line of communication open for my daughter's sake. When I say that J is nothing but emotionally abusive I mean it. I have said horrible things in the past and I won't play victim. To wish someone injured or dead is not something I have ever done. The events that occurred in just a few minutes show exactly why I don't want this man around my daughter to begin with.

I took strides to move on and I am chastised for it at every turn because R has done something with his life and made a career instead of a 9-5 job. I am told daily that I am using him for his money when that is not who I am as a person. I knew of his finances after I fell for him as a person. It didn't change my perspective in the least. How am I wrong for moving on when in the last four years J has had two women pregnant and had sex with countless others and received more pictures that you can count. In that four years I have met a few people online but never pursued past what consisted of our online relationship and I have had one relationship almost a year ago. In November of 2015 to be exact. R is the first person I have been serious about since the separation and I have committed to him full heartily because he caught my heart from day one. Yet I am constantly looked down for this. R has made it clear that if Ally is at any point uncomfortable with the relationship then he will end things because he knows her feelings come first. It would hurt both of us but we both understand why he would do this. She loves him and things have been great so far.

Yes somewhere in that four years I looked for attention in the wrong way twice and it was a dangerous move on my part but I was in crisis. I had found about K and I had just kicked out J. It was a rough period as much of the last four years has been.


What sparked today's events is that R was supposed to leave for Houston yesterday for work. He didn't want to go and was trying to find a way out of it because he didn't want to leave us or his children. The last time we talked was earlier in the day. A friend blew up my phone this morning asking if he went to Houston and if I had heard from him because there was just a shooting. I am not sure if he went to Houston or went home and crashed. Fatigue has been constant for him lately.

I panicked and looked more into the shooting. At first they hadn't confirmed the injury count but there have been six injured. Details are still surfacing and I have still not heard from R. I know the chances of him being injured are slim but it is still the fact that there is that possibility that has me worried today. Between Ally still being sick and this my body is definitely feeling worn down and all I want to do is spend my day in bed.

For those of you that still think J is a good person and you love him and you want a family here is a bit of clarity as to who he is really is as a person. This is why I want my daughter as far away as possible because what kind of person wishes this on another?
























This is the real J. The honest J. This is not the man that became my best friend ten years ago. This is not the man that I once loved. This monster is what he has become. This is why I don't like Ally leaving my site for anything. This is why I worry about her all the time. People can claim this was a moment of annoyance but for me this is pure and raw honesty. To wish someone dead is the worst you can do and rest assured that Karma does eventually come through every time.

I am so worn down so for now I'll keep trying to reach out to R and I will hold my daughter closer than ever because my body cannot take anymore. For those I have said awful things to I do apologize. I would never wish ill will to anyone. I think I'll cross stitch and try to catch up on some sleep while waiting to hear from R.

Brightest Blessings Lovelies.

9 comments:

  1. I can think of no circumstances where texting that he wishes someone got shot is appropriate! How very childish.

    I know you didn't ask for advice, and I'm no expert on your life, but I have to deal with a toxic ex (my fiance's ex) who says horrible things to get attention. It was hard to do, but we learned to only have communication with her by text or email, and if something like that pops up, the conversation is over, no response, no engaging. It makes her mad as hell, but feeding that kind of person's need to see a reaction can just encourage it. Just my two cents! I hope you don't mind!

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  2. Typical j though.... don't let him take her for visits... after what b did to you and him saying that, I really wouldnt. I know you don't want anything from me but I'm not being spiteful or hateful.
    I wish I could say more bc he said something equally as horrible to me after I slapped him the weekend of my babyshower, but it'll just get back to him. I hope you hear from R soon and that he's okay.

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    1. I'm just really hurt all the way around. A lot of shit is falling apart and I'm ready to break down but can't for Ally's sake. I'm exhausted and just tired of him. Its been almost 2 weeks and still no call to Ally.

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    2. If it makes you feel any better, I've been instigating the calls for the most part. I told him about her anxiety and calling my dad daddy, and asking for him all the time. So if he doesn't want bella calling another man daddy, then he needed to step up and be her daddy. I mean, yeah it's mostly just me and him talking which is nice. But hearing his voice has helped a little. I can try and get him to call ally more if you want.

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    3. Me personally, I am not going to force him to step up. He has a way to contact me and he can easily ask to speak to her. I don't want anyone telling him to step up. I am not hurt that he is talking to Bella because I believe the children do need him but the fact that Ally gets put on the back burner sucks. B's latest post proves my point about both of them. I can own up to my mistakes but neither of them can, they just place the blame on someone else. Absolutely ridiculous.

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  3. Yeah I read that too... -_- and I agree with every word you have said bc it's the same for me. If I'd given up on him I wouldn't have come back every time and his family can atone for that on both our parts. Hell. I came back this time too even after slapping the shit out of him for catching him in his lies. One day I'll be okay enough to move on. I talk a lot of shit but he's broken me too. I love him, but I'm scared of him too.

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    1. You'll heal eventually. It took me four years to feel safe enough to dive into a relationship. The main I fell so quickly for R is that he puts Ally first. She is priority number one and that is refreshing to see her needs met. I haven't tried to be the terrible person I am pinned to be, I was just in a really dark place and I am slowly pulling myself out of it.

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  4. What a scary day for you! I hope you never have to go through something like that again! Hugs!

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