I am not a perfect person by any means. My life has changed drastically and things are never easily figured out. I have always tried to do what is right for Ally. This often means putting my own personal feelings to the side. I have told myself that I need to sever ties but I always regress and try to keep that line of communication open for my daughter's sake. When I say that J is nothing but emotionally abusive I mean it. I have said horrible things in the past and I won't play victim. To wish someone injured or dead is not something I have ever done. The events that occurred in just a few minutes show exactly why I don't want this man around my daughter to begin with.
I took strides to move on and I am chastised for it at every turn because R has done something with his life and made a career instead of a 9-5 job. I am told daily that I am using him for his money when that is not who I am as a person. I knew of his finances after I fell for him as a person. It didn't change my perspective in the least. How am I wrong for moving on when in the last four years J has had two women pregnant and had sex with countless others and received more pictures that you can count. In that four years I have met a few people online but never pursued past what consisted of our online relationship and I have had one relationship almost a year ago. In November of 2015 to be exact. R is the first person I have been serious about since the separation and I have committed to him full heartily because he caught my heart from day one. Yet I am constantly looked down for this. R has made it clear that if Ally is at any point uncomfortable with the relationship then he will end things because he knows her feelings come first. It would hurt both of us but we both understand why he would do this. She loves him and things have been great so far.
Yes somewhere in that four years I looked for attention in the wrong way twice and it was a dangerous move on my part but I was in crisis. I had found about K and I had just kicked out J. It was a rough period as much of the last four years has been.
What sparked today's events is that R was supposed to leave for Houston yesterday for work. He didn't want to go and was trying to find a way out of it because he didn't want to leave us or his children. The last time we talked was earlier in the day. A friend blew up my phone this morning asking if he went to Houston and if I had heard from him because there was just a shooting. I am not sure if he went to Houston or went home and crashed. Fatigue has been constant for him lately.
I panicked and looked more into the shooting. At first they hadn't confirmed the injury count but there have been six injured. Details are still surfacing and I have still not heard from R. I know the chances of him being injured are slim but it is still the fact that there is that possibility that has me worried today. Between Ally still being sick and this my body is definitely feeling worn down and all I want to do is spend my day in bed.
For those of you that still think J is a good person and you love him and you want a family here is a bit of clarity as to who he is really is as a person. This is why I want my daughter as far away as possible because what kind of person wishes this on another?
This is the real J. The honest J. This is not the man that became my best friend ten years ago. This is not the man that I once loved. This monster is what he has become. This is why I don't like Ally leaving my site for anything. This is why I worry about her all the time. People can claim this was a moment of annoyance but for me this is pure and raw honesty. To wish someone dead is the worst you can do and rest assured that Karma does eventually come through every time.
I am so worn down so for now I'll keep trying to reach out to R and I will hold my daughter closer than ever because my body cannot take anymore. For those I have said awful things to I do apologize. I would never wish ill will to anyone. I think I'll cross stitch and try to catch up on some sleep while waiting to hear from R.
Brightest Blessings Lovelies.