I wouldn't keep reading if foul language offends you. There is language suitable for a sailor ahead.
Press on if you must.
I warned you. Also very angry thoughts ahead as well.
It has come to my attention after a call with J that people are still insistent on keeping him filled in on my business. Let me make this crystal fucking clear. If I want him to know about my life, I'll tell him. I don't blog so both of you can run to him with the latest gossip or so you can rub some more salt in the wound as to how perfect your lives are and how shit mine is. Mkay? Moving on.
He has never cared much about my family much less about me. The last fucking four years proves this. Anyone who says that man every loved me is a lying sack of shit. I choose to tell him what I feel like he needs to know. I struggle every damn day on whether or not to be friends or be an asshole and forget his existence. I choose to tell him what pertains to Ally. Yes, this is a public blog so that information is out there but he has requested to be left out of all of that and I've respected this wish since we cleared the air but apparently some douche thinks it's still his business.
I am trying my hardest. My fucking hardest to be a single parent. Anybody that is a single parent can completely understand that struggle. Want to know more?
- My day typically starts at 6 am pending that Ally wasn't up all night coughing her lungs and soul up. She has to have a shower, have her hair dried since it is getting colder out. The school provides breakfast but sometimes she wants to eat at home.
- Then it's off to school. Doors open at 730 AM and you are tardy by 750.
- The school has strict guidelines so there is always some sense of fuckery that I am failing at. The lastest? I mom failed and forgot to change her shoes so she didn't receive recess. Then I was told even though her dress fall past her knees she still needs shorts under them. Also there is a lovely calendar of 31 days of homework so we have an assignment everyday.
- Once Ally is off to school I am headed to start my day at work. I have picked up extra tasks because I am determined to get manager so our lives will be a little bit easier.
- After work I pick up Ally come home to my shit apartment and instead of crawling into bed and passing out like I want to, I spend time with Ally. She has been clingy and it's been beautiful but my body just doesn't want to be alive at the moment.
- Then it's bedtime by 8 pm. Once she's in bed we have to take the dog potty before bed.
- Once she's asleep I get to figure out finances. Yes, I am blessed because I do receive a check every week and that helps but it is still a struggle.
- Then once everybody else is settled I have to get a shower, pick up the house, and then catch a breath. By the time this happens my body has decided against sleep so que a night full of no sleep and plenty of insomnia.
I have family support of course but I am doing this by myself 90% of the time. I have babysitters strictly for work. I don't get out often and I choose to be a homebody. Most of my dates with R are here at the house. I know I am blessed because I only have one child but this is damn near breaking me right now. I miss R terribly and 4 months away sucks ass. So much ass.
I am severely depressed. Right now it is a huge struggle to get out bed. I have cried more in the last several days than I have in a long time. I am hormonal due to my gift from Mother Nature coming 11 days early. I am on the verge of losing two very important people and yes I have strong hope that they pull through but I also know a person can only fight so long, I have to squeeze in daily homework assignments for my four year old. I have to find money to save my apartment and get us back on track. I have to work 50 hours week just so that overtime can save us.
I am fucking exhausted. So both of you running to him like eager puppies looking for a reward is utter bullshit. Especially the one of you that keeps posting your false support. That angers me. No that makes me see red because who the fuck do you think you are to constantly run to him?
I am divorcing him. I don't want him. I don't get this sick need to get his approval when he is only with one of you and there is a house full of people that I guarandamntee will back that. Accept facts, you are a single mother of 2. The other one won. Yippee. (Cue jumping up and down for joy.)
HE IS PLANNING TO LEAVE STATE WITH THIS ONE SOON.
Remember how fun that was the first time around? Get ready for round two ladies and gents.
I am just beyond my breaking point. I am so sick and tired of having to bite my damn tongue because everybody knows a different story. I have so much going on and I can't take much more. A person can handle only so much before they snap.
If you aren't here to support my journey then kindly fuck off. I am not asking for everyone to agree with me but being a snitch never did anyone any good. I am tired of busting my ass off only to hear all of the negative bullshit. Get a life and stop being so hellbent on ruining mine, mkay?