Saturday, November 12, 2016

A Deep Breath

I don't even know where to start. I feel overwhelmed and I am not sure where to start. I don't know what to think or feel. I've removed the ability to comment on this post because I just need to vent. I will also say I am not going to deal with any drama being started over my thoughts. I have held in my feelings for far too long and I feel the need to let them out.

To start R is leaving. I have known this for awhile but truthfully I am scared. I have never been good with distance and I feel so strongly for R that it is crushing me to not see him. It is crushing me not to be there for him. I keep telling myself that three months will pass when truthfully I don't know if I feel confident enough to be without him for that long. Today is supposed to be a celebration of another month together but I feel like I'm mourning instead.

This promotion is breaking me. I can't tell you the freedom I get from admitting that. The hours are long, I'm home late. The hours are long and training in a high volume unit keeps me busy. I feel exhausted by the time I get home. I am up earlier and earlier it seems like. This week I have to put in 60 hours and only day off. I know this is a norm for some but for me it is taking everything out of me. I feel broken and I am second guessing wanting this promotion. I only have one more week of MIT but it feels like I am not going to see the end of this week especially with only one day off.

I just don't know where I stand anymore with anything. The depression is swallowing me and I am not sure how I feel anymore with anything. I've spent the day in bed with Ally watching cartoons and scarfing junk food. I took today as a healing day of sorts. Spending time with R this morning has me more overwhelmed than I started. I don't know where I stand anymore with anything.

I try so hard to always do what I feel is right but now as I feel more alone than ever, I realize that silence truly is best. As soon as a good check rolls in I have a few things up my sleeve. For now I am going to try to sort out these feelings and crawl back in bed.