It seems like on the days where I can afford to stay up late I don't want to. Tonight I am breaking into my Melantonin and hoping that brings some comfort. I don't even know where to start to try to get some of this weight off my chest. A friend messaged me on Facebook asking for my story because she is going through her own situation with emotional abuse. I've always told bits and pieces to people because in J's eyes I failed as a wife and I deserved every name called and every put down. Tonight I felt the pull to share my full story.
Sometime soon I'll need to share my full life story with R and I worry that I will be seen different in his eyes. Love can only blind you from so much before reality kicks in. At what point do we use love and not judgment? I've always seen judgment from others over everything I do. I can't seem to get ahead. I know there are no secrets in a relationship but I sure do have a doozy for him and I think tonight I'll chip at the wall I've built and let him in.
I feel like a failure. I know I've accomplished so much and I know I am letting my innocent child into my head but her words are eating at me and I've cried all day because of it. She had mentioned to my boss on the way home the other that Brittany cooked breakfast for her and took her the park all the time. Completely innocent words but to me, they were soul crushing. I pull 50-70 hours a week. I have worked 7-5 all week for the last three weeks. I have no energy and this makes me feel like a failure as a mother. Another woman that has done terrible things and doesn't even contact her own children has value in my innocent child's eyes.
I know in the future she'll understand the sacrifices I made and that I never asked for this life for us but I work everyday to show her the strength and determination it takes to be on your own. Not living life as a vagrant bouncing from home to home refusing to work. I will never understand how some people can be okay with others providing all the essentials to their child.
I just don't know where my head is tonight. I miss R. I hope that Cali is treating him right and that he is adjusting to the changes. Today has just been rough for me.