Tuesday, January 10, 2017
The Brutal Truth
There are times in our lives where we go through an identity crisis and this is me. I very much am a people pleaser. I don't like seeing people upset and I'm not great at boundaries.
I befriended a co-worker before I promoted and I didn't cut that when I promoted. We were strictly friends but when the professional had to come out, he got upset. This led to HR being called and me being accused of sexual misconduct. The investigation found nothing against me but it put me a position to feel so insecure.
Monday I was asked to demote. Willingly. I put up a fight but in many ways it broke me. No, I'm not demoted. I fought for my position but that has led me to question myself. I lost my position at Wal-Mart due to being way too invested in the wrap going on with J and K. I worked for over a year to get this position and I'll be damned if I lose it before we move.
I had a long talk with R because I've doubting myself as his future. I look at everything I went through with Joey and I worry that R will see my flaws and leave. I don't doubt him or our relationship, I doubt myself. I know he isn't J but I've fallen harder for him than J. I thought I loved J but I realize now it was the idea of what he could provide. Not him personally althought despite everything he holds a special place.
This week is already hard because on Friday it would have been five years to the date. I'm 24 and about to be in my second marriage.
I feel like a failure and lately my depression has swallowed me. I feel like I'm drowning. I can't seem to catch a break.
There is zero reason for me to feel this way but I do. I have so much support with R and I'm not used to having someone to talk to instead of someone talking down to me.
Truth is I'm terrified. I'm terrified but I'm ready. I'm ready for the next chapter and to see where Cali takes Ally and I. The future is bright but sometimes we have to face the brutal truth and realize you can't always be the friend.